5 Reasons Why We Self-Sabotage
Self sabotage happens when we intentionally OR unconsciously hold ourselves back from progressing, growth, and allowing something positive for us in.
An example can be sabotaging a really healthy good new relationship by causing unnecessary fights so the other person leaves you first due to the fear of them leaving or due to the belief that you are not worthy of them.
Usually self sabotage happens from deep rooted beliefs about ourselves, fears, and unconscious behaviors. We typically don’t even realize we are even doing it.
The question may be, why? Why would we not want good things for ourselves? Well, here are 5 reasons!
1. It gives us a sense of control, when we feel most out of control
Feeling out of control is HARD. When life throws us changes, transitions, trauma, or when things are just super stressful and we feel control slipping away - we can self sabotage to feel like we're in control again. Particularly anxious people may resonate with these.
2. We seek familiarity and comfort over uncertainty and discomfort
Similarly, living in the unknown and not having certainty or knowing what to expect is equally as tough. Again, especially if you are anxious. Although self sabotage often takes away something good or adds something negative into our life, at least we know what to expect and have a false sense of comfort, security, and certainty. Discomfort in the unknown can be so intolerable.
3. We are getting something out of this behavior and/or a need is being met, aka it’s working
Simple, but it’s true! An example, getting drunk every night. We may know deep down it's not best for us or causing harm, but there's also something working about it - we feel “fun” we’re “de-stressing.” So when someone attempts to go sober and then they slip up, it's because that behavior is still working for them. They're getting a need met. Another example - accusing your partner of cheating. It may be toxic and something you're trying to move away from because it's pushing the relationship apart, but maybe you get a sense of validation or attention from it. Maybe it makes you feel secure or in control. You are getting something out of this and that's why you keep doing it. We don't do things for no reason.
4. We have a false inner harsh narrative/critic and don’t believe we deserve better
Deep deep down there may be a negative core belief that we are not worthy, we are unloveable, we are not capable, we don't have inherent value, and so on. Maybe we believe we aren't worthy of good things and good people in our lives. If you struggle with low self esteem, this may resonate. If you self sabotage relationships in particular, this also may ring true. Another example: you don't take up a promotion- maybe there's a fear you're not capable of it or aren't smart enough.
5. Pure fear!
Life is scary. The what if’s apply here. What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does? Example: we don't even try a new endeavor like starting a business- because we are afraid of failure. If we try and fail - what does that say about us?
If you find yourself in the midst of this pattern, here are some journal prompts to explore it further:
What's a way you've been self sabotaging?
What function is it serving? What need is it meeting? What's the message its telling you?
What's the fear if you let go of this behavior?
What is an alternative way you can get this need met elsewhere? Is there a counter to this belief?
If you’d like to start therapy to explore why you are self sabotoging or work on yourself as a whole - please schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation here! Include your name, age, location, and a brief line or two on what you are seeking therapy for at this time. You can also email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com to ask questions or find other availability for a call.
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