How To Know If You Have An Anxious Attachment Style In Relationships

What causes anxious attachment styles and what are the signs of anxious attachment styles in relationships? I will answer both here today! Let’s start broader.

An attachment style is the way you behave and show up in romantic relationships now, that was first created forming an emotional connection to caregivers when you were younger. While there is also a genetic component in your wiring, the way we interacted with our caregivers has SUCH a big impact growing up. When you get into an adult romantic relationship, our attachment style often comes out with romantic partners. This can also show up in friendships by the way, so you can continue reading but by swapping romantic partner to your friendships.

Because my specialties within therapy are anxiety, people pleasers, hypervigilance, & relational trauma - the number one attachment style I often see is anxious.  What this means is someone who shows up in relationships fearing rejection and abandonment and never fully feeling emotionally safe or secure. Before diving into the signs of anxious attachment here are some of the causes.

Causes Of Anxious Attachment Style, Caregivers Who:

• We’re anxious themselves or had mental health challenges that would make it difficult to consistently attend to your needs. If anxiety was modeled to you constantly, infants absorb it and learn that it’s the norm.

• Emotionally were neglectful or often mis-attuned to meeting your needs, which taught you that needs being met was not predictable 

• Separated from you at a young age - whether you had a parent pass away or leave

• Separated or divorced - parents going through a high stress time can impact parenting and what's absorbed

• We’re young or inexperienced and struggled to be consistent with how they show up for you

• We’re hypercritical of you

• Overprotective and put you on high alert for something bad happening

With these types of attachments styles or relational trauma endured, it teaches the baby that getting your needs met isn't guaranteed or consistent and evokes fear and anxiety.

Now, Here Are The Signs Of Having An Anxious Attachment Style In Relationships:

• Deep fear of abandonment and rejection, that your partner will ultimately leave you or no longer want to be with you

• Hypervigilance with the relationship - looking for a threat constantly and trying to come up with red flags or reasons it's not going to work

• Hypervigilance with your partner - constantly monitoring their moods, tones, behaviors and how they speak to you to catch if they are mad or thinking of breaking up with you. Being on high alert.

• High need for reassurance that your partner still loves you and wants to be with you, but often it still not making you feel certain that things will be okay

• High sensitivity to any criticism or feedback

• Difficulty with being alone or completely avoiding ever being alone

• Needing constant contact and communication, hanging out, and quality time

• Feeling insecure about something within the relationship when theres time a part or you haven't heard from them (even if theres a completely appropriate reason, ex: they’re on a work trip)

• Challenges with trusting your partner even if they haven’t done anything to break trust

• Often being jealous and thinking things are threats even when there is no evidence or sign

• Despite your partners behaviors and actions, never fully trusting that they are happy and this will be a long term thing

• Needing frequent words of affirmation and validation that your partner is happy, loves you, or won't leave you

• Being offended or taking it personally when your partner needs alone time or has their own struggles

• Difficulty with setting and respecting boundaries

• Low self-esteem, highly self critical, never feeling good enough for a healthy happy relationship

• Not being fully in touch with your needs and feelings and avoiding conflict due to fear of how that could impact the relationship

• Catastrophizing (jumping to worst case scenario) constantly

• Frequent worrying and ruminating about interactions in the relationship

If you are feeling like most or all of these describe you, you may have an anxious attachment style! Although this takes time to work through, I do want to let you know it is 100% changeable over time. It's possible, but it takes work and healing with a therapist. And, I want to share that it can be done alone or in a relationship with someone who is supportive and secure in their style.

It takes time and intention, it takes work not only in these friendships and relationships and learning how to better communicate, set and respect boundaries, share about your true feelings and needs - it takes internal deep work on yourself. It takes building up a better and more trusting relationship with yourself, learning to be more self compassionate, getting to know who you are outside of your relationships and the hardest part - becoming comfortable being alone.

If this speaks to you and you feel ready to work on this, I’d be honored to help you along the way! I am accepting new clients in NYC, NJ, MD, and DC. Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration on these topics.