How To Navigate The Holidays As A People Pleaser Or Codependent
The holidays are a high pressure busy time, they are full of plans, expectations around giving gifts and celebrating, and you are most likely hanging out with family or friends more than normal. Your self-care time may decrease and your anxiety may increase. Not to mention, holidays and the weather changes can trigger grief, sadness, loneliness, and all sorts of experiences.
Because of the above, you may be feeling pressure right now and a mix of emotions. if you are someone with codependent or people pleasing patterns, please know this is a tricky time and you may regress or your tendencies may exacerbate.
Here are some examples:
You may start struggling to set boundaries, feel pressured or guilt when you want to say no to a plan, time, or even leaving early
You may feel obligated to say yes to plans and gifts when you can’t or don’t want to
You may forget to take care of yourself
You may start noticing dynamics in the family that you feel responsible for
You may start answering questions from family members and talk about things you’re not ready to or not comfortable with
You may use old coping strategies you’re letting go of to cope with the extra stress or anxiety
IF THIS APPLIES, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. HERE ARE SOME TIPS:
Boundaries!
The magic word! It’s true and they are important. You need to think ahead of time about what boundaries you may need to set. Is there a family member that asks you things you don’t want to answer? Is there a plan you just can’t stay the entire time for? Is there a budget for a gift you need to set? Do you typically host but don’t have the energy to this year? Not only should you think about this ahead of time, think of a script. Especially for someone who struggles with boundary setting, it’s easy to cave under pressure. So think about what you need to say ahead of time and it’ll come out easier in the moment.
Keep Your Routine Self-Care.
It is easy to fall out of a routine when you are busy at holiday parties, running around getting gifts, traveling and staying with family, or taking on more at work. That does not mean you can let go of self-care. Make sure you continue doing the things that nourish you. If you are someone who likes to walk, get out for a few minutes even if its shorter than usual, if you like to write make sure your bring your journal and take time to process, if you can spare a few minutes to breathe or meditate - use an app. 5 minutes is better than none and when you are feeling extra stressed, these outlets add up. Make sure you are taking care of yourself.
Attend To Your Needs.
Within codependency, it is easy to begin neglecting yourself and attending to other people. You may people please and say yes to something you mean no to when expectations are high around the holidays. You may pretend everything is okay, when you are actually struggling. Slow down and be intentional about what your needs and desires are here. What do you want out of this time of year? What are you capable of doing? How are you actually feeling right now? You’re probably so used to thinking about others, these questions feel different to you. It’s time you start reflecting inward and giving yourself that nurture that you deserve.
Seek Support
Whether you need to pull your partner aside ahead of time and share what you need, what some of your boundaries will be, and how they can support you or you need to call a friend and talk it out - reach out to your support system. If you have a designated family member that you feel most connected to, ask to spend a little time with them during your trip. And of course, talk about it in therapy! If you’re struggling with any of this or just want to plan ahead, discuss it in therapy. If you haven’t been in therapy and the holidays feel stressful this year, nows the time to try. People with codependent behaviors, often forget to or neglect asking for help. A reminder that it’s not a sign of weakness nor does it make you more codependent, it makes you human.
If you are resonating with this blog and would like to set up a consultation to see if we are a good fit to work on healing your codependency, email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or click to schedule a free 15 min phone call.
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