Warning Signs Of A *Truly* Toxic Person And What To Do

I tend to stay away from calling people “toxic, narcissists, and gaslighters” especially in therapy because although its great w’eve shed so much light to those types of people - society has overused these words and we tend to slap these labels on anyone who’s behavior doesn’t align with ours. 

However, obviously there are people who fit the bill here and it’s important to know what some of these signs are that someone is toxic and may be bad for your mental health. I want to hold nuance though, I'm not describing someone who is necessarily a narcissist or sociopath (though a narcissist would absolutely have these traits too), a toxic person may also have some good qualities and could just need some therapy and support, but these are warning signs of toxic unhealthy behaviors:

Gaslighting

The TRUE definition of gaslighting is when someone completely flips the truth and denies your reality. A gaslighter will have YOU questioning yourself, your memory, your perception of stuff, and what the truth and reality is. An example is you could share why someone is hurting you in a kind non judgemental way and a gaslighter will deny this and make you feel like you've just made it up or you are the hurtful one and they will become the victim. It's intentional manipulation, it's not to be taken lightly.

Defensiveness & blame

A toxic and emotionally immature person (these go hand in hand) will always be on the defense. Anything you say to them will most likely trigger them. Oftentimes they cannot accept feedback, criticism, and will flip blame back onto you. There is no accountability or apologies with a toxic person and if there is  - there's usually a selfish motivation behind it to gain your love or attention back. It doesn't come from a genuine place.

Lack of inner reflection

A toxic person is not going to be fully capable of self reflection and growth (unless they are truly ready to change and seek help). Toxic people are inherently usually insecure and do have deep negative core beliefs and shame about themselves but usually buried so deep that they don’t always believe they have flaws on the surface. That's why often they can come off arrogant or grandiose - it's just a defense mechanism. Toxic people believe YOU need to work on yourself, not them. Or they are living so unconciously they have no idea of their behavior.

Guilt tripping

Guilt tripping is not a joke, it's manipulative. A toxic person is going to make you feel guilty and bad if you: set boundaries, say no to them, speak up directly and assertively, or try to do what's best for you if it doesn't serve them. If you try to leave a toxic person, they may guilt trip you into staying, making you seem like the bad guy or threatening their own mental health making you feel you have to stay to keep them okay. None of that is okay or healthy and you should not change your behavior out of guilt. If your gut is telling you something - trust it!!

No boundaries

Toxic people dislike and dismiss boundaries. Or they just so slightly always push the edge of them. Boundaries threaten a person that's toxic, they don't want you to have autonomy and self respect. If you set a boundary and someone reacts extremely poorly or diminishes them, it says more about them. Toxic people thrive off of you not having boundaries. And on the flip side - they don’t have any either OR they have completely rigid boundaries which are really just walls, not actual boundaries.

If these 5 signs align with someone you know and you don't know what to do now, here are a couple tips:

-Talk about it in therapy.
It’s really imperative you have someone reminding you of reality and letting you know these behaviors are not okay or appropriate. When you are constantly engaging with someone toxic, you start taking their world view or convincing yourself it's normal and okay. The bigger your support system is, the better. The more you can talk this out with a  licensed professional the more you can either get out or not engage.

-Do not engage in yelling back, arguing, etc.
Toxic people LOVE getting a reaction out of you. That's what fuels them! The more you try to change their minds, convince them of something, or just argue back - the more fuel to the fire. Let a toxic person know you won't be engaging and just don't. As hard as that is. Keep neutral, remain in a calm tone and just remove yourself from the situation at hand or shut a convo down (politely or compassionately, not with aggression).

-Set  boundaries with the expectation of maintaining and following through.

And if the boundaries aren't respected - you may need to consider if you want this person in your life. If a toxic person isn't respecting boundaries and they have no plans to change, think about what you lose and gain from this person. What's your motivation to stay? Is it truly because you love them and gain value ? Or are you staying out of fear, obligation, and guilt?

-If you are having trouble figuring out where you stand with them, ask yourself:
Are these years worth of patterns I've noticed? Is this behavior a one time thing? What are their actions showing vs words? What am I getting from this or do I feel I have no choice? How would I feel if I let them go from my life?

All this to say, if you believe you’re in a relationship with someone or friends with someone or have a family member who is toxic - it is your choice. You are allowed to distance, detach, or remove them. I know it’s more complicated with family members, but you can certainly have boundaries. If it’s hard to put up boundaries or detach, you are not alone. It takes time and practice. There may also be other things within yourself getting in the way, which you can uncover in therapy.

If you recognize there is someone in your life that meets this criteria and you need a safe space to explore this further and what you can do, I’d be happy to support you.
Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration.