10 Tips For Finding The Right Therapist
Finding a therapist can be daunting, overwhelming, and often tiring.
There are so many of us which is wonderful, but that’s a lot to choose from! Finding the right fit is HUGE! It's important that you find someone you feel safe with, because this is the person you are trusting to be vulnerable with and share your life with.
I understand how it can feel like a whirlwind on your search, so I wanted to share some tips, top things to think about, look out for, and ask as you are on your search. I also have a list of directories at the bottom.
1. You are in the drivers seat!
I want to make it clear, you are in the drivers seat when looking for a therapist. Ultimately this is your decision and its okay to talk to a few to find the best fit. You should come with questions for each therapist and you are allowed to take the time to see if you’d like to proceed with them. People often feel whoever they start with they have to stay with, but give yourself the chance to think about it. Whether that’s with a free phone consultation to get to know them a little or even 1-2 sessions. When you do have the phone consult or first session, be prepared if you do have any questions! You can ask how they may work with your particular challenges, their style and approach (which I will cover more of soon), you can ask about their policies and fees, if they will give you feedback or challenge you, you can even ask something personal (with boundaries).
2. Location
Not everyone knows this, but most licensed therapists (depending on credentials) need to be licensed in the state that YOU are located in. For example, I am licensed in New Jersey so I can see someone who is living in NJ. If someone lives in Pennsylvania, I can't see them because I am not licensed there. This is regardless of where we personally live (I'm in NYC and I see clients virtually in other states). Because of these rules, many therapists (myself included) are licensed in multiple states. So, make sure that you look for someone that actually is licensed in the place you are located in. You can even google, “therapist near me.”
3. Style & approach
It’s hard because there are SO many approaches, modalities, trainings, and experiences out there and that can also lead to overwhelm. So this depends on what you are looking for! Some people want a very specific type of approach, for example a CBT therapist is someone looking for more structure and shifting thinking patterns and focusing on the present. Some people want a psychodynamic therapist which is the more traditional approach of talking about what's on your unconscious and often referring to childhood and family dynamics and the impact on your patterns and relationships.
My approach is relational, holistic, and trauma-informed/somatic meaning:
Relational = I believe the most important part is the relationship between us so I focus on building trust and rapport and will bring my humanness as well as yours. I don’t believe I need to be a completely blank slate. Humor, fun, and personality is all important to me.
Holistic = I will look at your whole self - mental health, emotional, physical, social, spiritual (if you want) and beyond - not just the micro clinical. I may recommend and talk to you about working on sleep, nutrition, exercise, mindfulness or breathwork, self care practices, your values, and needs.
Trauma & somatic = I focus on a bottom up approach - creating safety in the body and connecting the mind-body. It means will make sure we are working on nervous system healing and building your resources and self regulating skills. It also means I understand the impact of trauma and attachment wounds on your present patterns.
This doesn’t mean I wont pull from other modalities though! Most therapists have basic understand of several, so if you wanted to do some CBT (working on thought patterns) and DBT (building skills) I can pull from those. I am also trained in EMDR and often use too if there is specific trauma you need to reprocess.
You don't have to have a specific modality in mind, just ask yourself, “do I want traditional talk therapy?” Do I want someone that brings other styles and approaches to our sessions? Do I want some body-related modalities? Experiential? Do I want someone who is able to be flexible with this or very structured and specific?
Some other approaches to look into - DBT, IFS, ACT, Gestalt, somatic experiencing, AEDP.
4. Specialties & experience
Similarly, there are so many specialties out there! The good news is if you are coming to therapy for something very specific and niched- you will find someone who specializes in that thing. If you are coming for a more general reason or just want to work on yourself as a whole- you'll have more options and can see someone who has a more general approach!
Most therapists will be able to work on daily stressors, emotions, relationships, family dynamics, etc. But if you have a specific need for example trauma therapy or grief work, then it's important you find someone who has knowledge and expertise on your needs and challenges. Therapists will let you know if something you are in need of is out of their scope and specialty and should refer you to someone with more speciality in that practice!
5. Most important - Connection
To me, the number one most important piece here is the connection. How you FEEL when you speak to them? The good thing about consultation calls (I and many therapists offer free 15 min calls) is that you get to hear them and see how you feel as you speak. I know it's not going to give you that answer 100%, you may need to schedule the first session or two to see if it's truly a good fit. But you can at least get a sense if there is a baseline connection.
My question for you particularly after the first session is, how do you feel? Do you feel safe? Seen? Heard? Listened to? Understood? Do you feel you will be able to open up to this person? Do you feel like they are willing to accept feedback and meet your needs? These are important questions that should be a yes for you to continue with! A reminder, you don't have to stick with a therapist if it's not a good fit!!! This is your choice. Therapy is an investment - emotionally, your time, financially, so it needs to be right.
Also noting that you’re not going to get to everything in the first couple sessions, therapy takes time to work and is usually for the longer haul. So while you can get a feel for how therapy will work, you won’t feel like you’ve made huge strides day one.
6. Fees/Insurance
This can be confusing! The first thing to consider is do I need someone in-network in insurance or am I able to pay out of pocket for someone who's a good fit?
If you must be in-network, make sure to find someone that confirms that they accept your insurance. There may still be copays and deductibles before the insurance covers it, so call your insurance to find out.
If you are able to do self-pay, most people don't realize you may actually have out of network benefits. This means that if you have OON benefits and the therapist is an OON provider, they can give you superbills (detailed receipts) to submit to insurance. It's up to your insurance company how much they reimburse you and when, but many will give up to 80%!
Ask your therapist about their fees and if they can give superbills, after checking if you have those benefits (I have a checker on my insurance page here).
7. Identity
Age, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, cultural background, religious upbringing, and so on can be important parts to finding the right therapist! There's two parts- sometimes it's extremely helpful to have someone who can relate and gets what you’ve been through and then on the other hand someone from a different background can be impactful too.
For those in the LGBTQIA+ & BIPOC community, it's understandable to want a therapist that identifies similarly too. For those who practice religion, it may be important for your therapist to come from the same background. If your therapist is someone that doesn't relate, talk about it! Share what comes up for you and explore it. I’ve had honest conversations with clients about some differences in our identity and we’ve had really productive, raw, and meaningful talks about it where we both learned. As long as you feel safe with them and not judged.
Age wise, you may want someone closer to your age to feel connected, you may want someone significantly older. Just know age doesn’t necessarily correlate to experience. Gender identity- some women want a female therapist, on the other hand maybe seeing a male therapist could be positively challenging to get you out of your comfort zone and work through any issues that arise. If you are a person in the LGBTQIA community, you may want your therapist to be too or at least have worked with this population. You do need them to at least be an ally.
8. Virtual vs in person
I've done both over the years and I truly believe both virtual and in person has its pros and cons. With in person, there is an energy of being there and seeing each other face to face. However, it can be harder because of the commute and finding the time. If you work, you often can’t do the middle of the day and not every therapist will have early morning or evening time because of the popularity of those frames.
Virtual can come with some technical issues here and there and you don't get to see the full person. However, it's very comfy to be in your own space and super convenient. Timing is more flexible without the commute, you may be able to do it during the day. I do believe virtual can be just as significant. I’ve worked with clients doing even EMDR and heavy trauma work virtually and it worked!
Pros and cons to each! Think about which you prefer if you have a preference or if you're open to either and make sure you know what your therapist offers.
9. Consult Calls
As I have referenced, many therapists myself included give a free 15 minute phone consultation call. This is a great opportunity to see if it's a good fit - for both of us! Your therapist will also want to make sure it’s the right fit, so its mutually beneficial. If a therapist doesn't, you can always book one session (or 2 or 3) and decide from there. You won’t always know after one call and just a reminder that you are not locked in forever. You can see how it feels after a few sessions. Though I want to remind you again, you're not going to magically change and heal within a few sessions. It does take time and often you are building rapport and relationship at first and giving your therapist some history and background.
10. Picking a goal to work on
Most therapists, though not all, will ask what is it that’s leading you to therapy and what you want to work on. I always ask, because I think it’s important to have goals. It may be hard to sum up and maybe your goal is to improve relationships, become a better version of yourself, or learn how to manage stress. But it’s great to have goals to work toward in therapy, we can then also check in on them over time and see how you are progressing. If you are unsure of a goal, a therapist can help you depending on what you are experiencing and going through.
Don’t get discouraged!
Sometimes you have to shop around a little. I know many clients who feel lucky they found someone thats a great fit immediately and some who have to go through multiple therapists to figure out who to stick with. If its taking time, don't stop! Therapy is worth it and again its a longer term investment. When you find the right fit, you're going to feel such a relief. It's out there! And, you can always ask your friends, providers, loved ones for referrals!
You’ve got this! I hope this helped and empowered you to find the right fit.
If we may be a good fit and you’d like to set up that 15 minute phone consultation I referred to, please schedule here! Include your name, age, location, and a brief line or two on what you are seeking therapy for at this time. You can also email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com to ask questions or find other availability for a call.
Here are some directories to look for therapists:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
