5 Signs Of A People Pleaser

A people pleaser is someone who appeases another person, but at the detriment of themselves.  Neglecting their own needs, opinions, desires, and/or wants to keep someone else happy. People pleasers aren’t necessarily kind it's just that they are typically passive in communication, it’s a way to be liked, loved, or seen by others. It’s also often a way to avoid conflict, confrontation, or avoid abandonment. It often stems from a deeper desire for validation, love, or safety.

Here are 5 signs you may be a people pleaser:

1. You automatically say yes and don’t speak up for what you want, even if you secretly do have a preference.

People pleasers deeply struggle to say no to other people's requests. A simple example may be if a friend asks you to go to dinner out of your budget, but you say yes to avoid how they will respond if you said no. Another example may be saying yes to taking on too many tasks at work, with the undercover desire for your boss to value you, even though you are burnt out and don’t have capacity or want to.

2. Boundary setting or speaking in a direct, assertive manner is hard and you often don’t set boundaries in the first place.

People pleasers struggle to set boundaries. An example is if a family member or friend is oversharing and emotionally dumping on you and you are going through your own challenges and can’t support them, instead of letting them know you don’t have capacity; you listen anyway and stress yourself out further because you are afraid of being “mean” if you said the truth. Relationships with people pleasers lack boundaries.

3. Confrontation is scary and you avoid it at all costs.

People pleaser’s hate confrontation and view speaking up as “conflict” regardless of how people respond. If you think that it's “mean” to set boundaries or are afraid of hurting people's feelings for speaking up, that may be a sign you're a people pleaser. Though confrontation can be tough and may bring discomfort, it's an important part of a relationship - when done appropriately and in a healthy manner. It doesn't make you a bad or mean person. 

4. If you do say no, set a boundary, or ask for a need to be met; you feel anxiety, guilt, shame, and over explain yourself or apologize immediately.

On the rare occasion a people pleaser says no, communicates a boundary, or expresses their needs, you typically feel anxious, guilt, shame or like you’re a “bad person.” And in order to relieve this discomfort you may take it back, apologize, or over explain yourself. This is from a belief that you are a bad person, mean, or don't deserve to speak up. Or a belief that if you do, people will leave you, hate you, or not love you. Having needs feels like “too much” or a burden to place onto others.

5. Your default response is, “I’m fine!” and in fact you may even believe that.

People pleasers hide how they are really feeling and typically wear a smile even if that doesn't reflect how they are feeling inside. People pleasers get so used to saying things are okay and agreeing with others, they may even disconnect with themselves and not know how they are feeling anymore.

Okay I am a people pleaser, why? And where did this come from?

People pleasing can develop from many things - low self esteem and confidence is usually a major part of it. The pattern of neglecting yourself builds over time, leading you not to trust yourself or feel authentic. 

It can also be a trauma response- a way to avoid conflict and keep the peace. You may have grown up in a stressful environment where people pleasing and fawning (read my blog on fawning here), was a way to keep yourself safe. Or if you experienced a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, people pleasing the other person may have kept them happy which meant your safety and comfort. 

People pleasing is usually rooted in fear. Fear of conflict or confrontation, fear of what people will think of you if you express yourself, fear of being judged for being your authentic self, fear of being left or abandoned, and/or fear of not being liked or loved. 

The issue is, you're not actually being your authentic self so you don't even know if your family and friends are seeing you and loving you for you, because you are hiding parts of yourself! People want and deserve the truth and as hard as it is, your friends and family will be there even when you set boundaries and speak your opinions. And if not, that's a lot of needed information. If someone doesn't respect your boundaries or dislikes when you disagree with them and speak your truth, they aren't right for you in the first place or were benefiting off your lack of boundaries. 

Now what? Can I change this? 

Yes! If you related to any of this, there is hope and a way to heal! You can become more understanding of what your own needs, wants, desires, and opinions are and starting to learn to express them in a direct and assertive manner. You can practice saying no, setting boundaries, and sitting with the discomfort of speaking up. You can learn coping strategies to manage anxiety and difficult feelings. You can develop attunement to what your feelings are and where you feel them in your body. All of this can be done in therapy! 

If you would like to explore people pleasing, trauma, anxiety, codependency, self worth, perfectionism, or boundary setting further, I’m happy to support you!

 Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration.