7 Foundations Of Developing Self-Worth (beyond affirmations and treat-yourself days).
On every social media platform, we hear the words, “love yourself more” but what does that actually mean? You may have heard advice to wake up every morning and write all of the positive affirmations, “I am worthy!” and that one day you’ll believe it. I do like affirmations for a specific purpose, but it’s not that simple. When you do not really believe what is being written, it just makes you feel more frustrated. Its not just “treat yourself!” days or skincare routines either. True, internal self-worth is built upon many long term foundations set daily.
Below are the 7 foundations to actually develop your self-worth internally:
Small promises to build self-trust:
The first foundation of self-worth is trusting in yourself. It sounds simple, but it’s interesting how many people actually have no trust in themselves. A way to do this is by making and keeping tiny promises to yourself EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
For example- telling yourself that you are going to wake up at 7 am, daily to start your morning routine and get outside. Then 7 am rolls around, you snooze the alarm and don’t get up until 8 am but now you don't have enough time to go for your walk before work. Sounds small, but you start breaking that trust with yourself because you dont believe you'll do the thing you promised. You learn that you can’t trust your word. If you were to get up at 7 am, go take that walk, you'd come home feeling good which reinforces the habit, and you build confidence because you trust that you will do the things you say.
Boundaries with yourself, not just others:
Going off the previous foundation, when you set a limit or rule for yourself and you don't follow through on it, this also breaks self-trust. Let's say you decided you'll go out for an evening to a dinner, and your boundary is you'll go home right after because you have to wake up early for something. That time rolls around and you end up breaking that boundary and staying up late, drinking alcohol, you come home and you wake up feeling shitty the next day. There was a boundary for a reason, there was a need here (getting sleep for the next day) that is important and you didn't fulfill it. Now you feel worse and you feel frustrated with yourself. This develops over time and starts to harm your self-worth. How can you hold boundaries with other people, if you can't even uphold them with yourself?
Self-Care:
Besides the face masks and bubble baths, self-care is essential. There are different realms of self care - emotional, mental, social, intellectual, spiritual, physical, professional. Each one matters. The thing is though, taking care of yourself is a true essential for self-worth. It's important to check in, every SINGLE DAY, to see what you need for yourself that day.
One day it may be to socialize and call a friend and fill your tank by getting support from loved ones, and the next day it's that you need to stay inside and rest and be alone and enjoy stillness to recharge. That cliche, “you can't pour from an empty tank” is a cliche because it's true. And it starts with daily acts of self care. You dont wanna do your self care when you're just burnt out and stressed and irritable, you want to prevent that in the first place and make a daily routine.
Self -Compassion:
The biggest myth I hear out there is that shaming and criticizing yourself is going to motivate you to do better. When you shame yourself and berate yourself, it harms doesn’t help. It makes you feel bad and you start believing the mean words. Would you yell at a little niece when they make a mistake? No, so why do we do that to ourselves? Self-compassion is being kind and gentle to ourselves with the words we use, the tone, etc. For example, when you are having a hard day and not getting that assignment done, it's saying “ wow I’m having a really hard time right now. What do I need?” and giving yourself what you need. Another myth is that you'll let things slide if you're practicing self-compassion, thats not true. True self-compassion requires loving kindness toward yourself WHILE ALSO holding yourself accountable to doing the things you need to and bettering yourself. It's nuanced, you can do both.
Self-Acceptance & Self- Validation
Similar to self-compassion, focusing on where you go wrong, your inadequacies, your flaws - doesn't make you feel better. Self-acceptance is the act of understanding that as human beings we all have flaws, we all suffer, we all make mistakes and we accept ourselves anyway. Additionally, it's about accepting your emotions as they come, no matter how hard. I always say when you push your feelings away, they always come out. Gaslighting yourself, denying yourself the reality of what you are feeling and accepting that or avoiding it, will pay a cost and break your self-worth down over time. When we normalize our challenges and flaws instead of shaming ourselves for them, we feel human instead of alien.
Never ending self improvement isn’t part of this either, when you truly accept yourself you let yourself be as you are. It doesn’t mean you won’t be working on yourself, but you need a bit of acceptance before change anyway.
Building routines and healthy habits:
Daily healthy habits add up and give ourselves the consistency and structure we crave and need to thrive. Getting up at the same time every day, getting 7-8 hours of proper sleep every night, setting a morning routine like an active outlet (walking, yoga, gym) or stillness (journaling, meditating) that you look forward to is supportive. Lastly, your physical and emotional health are connected so a health mind is connected to nourishing your body.
If you are resonating with this blog and would like to set up a consultation to see if we are a good fit to work on your self-worth, email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call.
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