A Guide To Sober Curiosity: Benefits Of Sobriety, Tips, Reflection Questions, Resources, And My Personal Journey

Sep 26

As another year’s anniversary of cutting out alcohol from my life hits over and over at the end of September, I was reflecting on how much better life has been and how happy I am right now. Removing alcohol isn’t a cure all, obviously. However, it allows you to do other work and will shift many things in your life. I have noticed significant positive changes, gains, benefits, and I am a better version of myself. I do know that going fully sober isn’t for everyone and I’m not here to say that. Sometimes the answer is mindfully drinking, replacing a few drinks with non alcoholic ones, or removing it for 2 weeks. I’m going to talk about what sober curiosity is, who may benefit, what questions to ask yourself, give some tips if you are open to taking a month off to start, and share resources at the end. I am opening up a little more to share beyond just as a therapist because I personally and deeply get it. If you are questioning your relationship with alcohol or if alcohol has negatively impacted you, you are not alone.

What is sober curiosity?

Sober curiosity is a movement for a person who is interested in exploring their relationship with alcohol, unsure if needing to go fully sober is the answer. It is questioning and being curious about their alcohol use and maybe even thinking about mindfully drinking, cutting back, or removing alcohol. This is someone who doesn’t identify with addiction, dependence, or the phrase “alcoholic.”

Personally, I had been sober curious for a while because I knew that drinking was not aligning with me and who I want to be anymore. I was someone who socially drank, but struggled to moderate at times. I would wake up feeling anxious or even shameful. It would impact my ability to hit the gym and do all of the nice holistic wellness self care things I love the next day. I would even say at times it brought out not the best version of myself. Hangovers could steal my energy and mood the next day. I was always able to take time away from drinking, it wasn’t a daily habit or anything, nor did I need the wine with dinner, however socializing and weekends would sometimes revolve around it and I didn’t even realize how it became a crutch and part of my definition of “fun.”

I'm so glad there is a whole movement out there for those who just want to explore their relationship with alcohol or start with a month off to see first, before being labeled as an alcoholic or addicted. Sometimes that is necessary and that someone needs professional support and help and must get sober to work through an addiction. And sometimes, a person becoming a more mindful drinker or taking a break is enough. I knew that the labels scared me off, I didn’t feel I identified with them. But learning that you can just be sober curious was enough to help me take that break and not feel so alone.

If you have ever questioned your relationship to alcohol or were just curious what it would be like to stop for a little, sober october is the perfect timing!

Here are some signs it may be worth taking a break from alcohol use:

If the thought of taking a break sounds hard or terrible
If you use alcohol as a crutch to get through socializing
If you use alcohol to de-stress or unwind after a long day
If you believe alcohol helps you manage anxiety
If you can’t imagine having fun without alcohol
If you have a habit of drinking every night at 5pm, with dinner, or weekends and it's just routine
If you ever drink alone
If you think alcohol is getting you to sleep
If you black out
If you’ve been saying you will moderate or break for a while and just can’t
You binge drink on the weekends
You feel anxious, shame, irritable, stressed, or down the next day
Your hangovers get in the way of your self care or plans
Alcohol ever made you do something you regret
Alcohol brought out anger or act out of accordance with your values
You’d like to have a more mindful approach or try moderating after

Here are 7 questions to ask yourself, to explore your relationship with alcohol:

What do I think drives me to drink? (think of an example when you last drank and think why? Bc it was a habit? Bc I was anxious? To “unwind”?) What do I “gain” from it?
What are the negative consequences and what I lose from it?
Is your identity wrapped up in alcohol in any way? Being the “fun one,” the “partier”, etc
Do I use alcohol to cope? For what? How can I find a replacement?
Do I trust myself enough to take this break and learn something new?
What am I afraid of if I remove alcohol from my life?
How do I feel about myself after I drink? How’s my self esteem impacted?

Here are some the benefits you could experience:

The reverse happens, stopping drinking ultimately decreases stress and anxiety (alcohol use only temporarily makes you feel like it's helping with that, but it amps it up later in the evening or the next day)

Sleep gets better - you get more of it plus more restorative (deep and rem)
You start trusting yourself and liking yourself, on a deeper level. You no longer break promises with yourself or get yourself in trouble. You keep your word. You make good choices and do things that align with your values. You don't have to wake up and question what you said.
You get through social anxiety and it starts decreasing, because it’s exposure therapy
You learn who you authentically are without it - your personality, your strengths, values, your hobbies now that you have more time, your confidence sky rockets over time
You find out who you truly connect with and your relationships improve - friendships are no longer based upon drinking together so you find out who you connect with most, you're a better more reliable friend, and you open up truly vulnerably rather than because a drink made you think it's time to share your deepest trauma. Also - no unecessary drama and fights!
You gain more energy. During the first few days you may feel sluggish but after your energy skyrockets because you are no longer run down from alcohol or a hangover
No hangovers!!!! Could you imagine? The older you get the more even one hurts so, imagine you wake up early with a clear head and excitement for the day?
You feel more joy. No seriously!! Your dopamine gets messed up when you drink, so once you cut it you find small things bring more joy and your system gets revamped
Your physical health improves - liver, brain health, heart health, lower blood pressure, lower risk for cancer, your immune system improves - all of the things
You start facing emotions and growing. Which sounds hard or not so great in theory, we have a habit of suppressing them quite easily. But when you stop drinking, you have to face life's stressors, emotions, and yourself. This may be tough at first, but it helps you get through your pains and grow a lot quicker. You grow as a personal, you reflect, and you become the best version of yourself.
You can have more fun! Again, count-intuitive. I thought I’d be bored if I stopped, but after time and finding joy in the smaller things again - fun became so much more authentic than a night out or sipping wine at a dinner. Traveling, hiking, live music, deep connection, a new coffee shop - random things become more fun because alcohol doesn’t dull it or take away from it. You are fully deeply present and remember every detail.

Disclaimer

Please note again, if you are a heavy drinker and have developed a dependence you may experience withdrawal which is serious so you need to discuss this with health providers and a therapist. You may need more support through it to ensure a smooth and safe attempt. This blog is for someone that doesn't qualify with a heavy substance use disorder or major dependence who won't go through withdrawal when stopping (or not too heavily, you might a little at first).

Another disclaimer note that even someone who does not need this level of support, but uses alcohol pretty frequently and has built the habit, may not feel these positive benefits AT FIRST. I say at first, because it is likely that most people WILL experience these over time. Some people do after 2 weeks and then some people feel very sleepy, groggy, and anxious for a month - that’s the alcohol detoxing your body. I will say if that’s you, give it 60 days or 90 days to really experience these effects. Do not make a conclusion that dry January, sober october, or an alcohol break isn’t effective, that’s not true. Alcohol is an addictive substance regardless of your relationship, so you may not be an addict or alcoholic, but still feel these effects. No shame!

Here are some tips if you are thinking of a break:

Create a small, tiny goal. If one month is too much, start with 1-2 weeks and take it from there! I actually set my goal to one month, which then turned into 90 days, which turned into 6 months and then never turned back and here I am 2 years later.
Tell someone. I know it feels scary in case you don't make it, but have accountability and support. Tell a loved one.
Find replacement strategies -for example if you drink when you are stressed, you need to have something else you can do because you will be stressed at some point and crave the drink most likely.
Journal about it. Write about what you are feeling and what you learn in a journal.
Have a therapist. If you are serious about this, talk to your therapist about it.
Seek a support group. This also may feel like a lot especially if you're unsure if you want to do this, but honestly if you have a deep sense of knowing that alcohol doesn't serve you (which trust me, if you truly need to stop drinking you do deep down there) seeking support will make you feel less alone. I felt like I was the only one at my age not drinking which was isolating, so having other people who are doing it and get it makes you feel less alone.
Have NA alternatives. I personally loved doing this. There are millions of non alcoholic options out there, adaptogens (herbal supplements that are helpful for your body's ability to adapt to stress for example: ginseng, ashwagandha, reishi mushroom, rhodiola,). There's even NA wines and liquors. So have something in your hand or order a mocktail when you are out.
Think about what you want to say to people. For me, I started with “I'm not drinking tonight” then it led to “I’m taking a break from alcohol” to “I don't drink.” You could even say you have something in the morning and don't want to, you don't owe all the details. Interestingly enough most people don't actually care or push you. If someone does, shows a lot more about their relationship with alcohol than yours. Plus, if you have something in your hand people don't even think about it.
Count if it helps you, don't if it wont. I personally loved the dopamine hit of counting the days. I also knew it would help hold me accountable. For some, it's too much pressure.
Read and learn. I'm also super grateful for this, I read all of the quit lit (books about removing alcohol), listened to podcasts, and leaned into the sober curious community on instagram and social media. I learned a ton and again felt less alone.
Make a plan! Especially that first weekend or when 5pm rolls around, you’re habitualized to reach for the drink, so have a plan in place. Have a friend you’re seeing, a place to go, a movie to watch. Take the decision away by having structure.
Eat whole foods and stay hydrated, it takes some time to replenish your nutrients and electrolytes lost from drinking, so the more you can nourish yourself the quicker you'll feel the good benefits kick in.

A reminder that you can pick a small goal and then check back in. Maybe you don't care to give alcohol up for good, but you want a break to learn some of the above stuff, and then you go back and be more of a mindful drinker.

I truly believe not everyone can moderate. For some, having 1-2 would often lead to more and the energy it takes to say no to keep going is more exhausting than stopping itself. So I do believe (contrary to what I usually believe) that being all or nothing is important here. But not everyone!

And I say this with love, if you are someone always saying you're going to moderate and you never do - you would've done it by now. If you haven't, that's a sign you probably can't. Minus the occasional times, odds are it'll escalate again.

Cutting alcohol was honestly the best gift I could have given myself. I built trust with myself, became more confident, my relationships massively improved, my fitness goals were getting hit more, my energy skyrocketed, I made new friendships and started new hobbies, my holistic wellness outlets were more consistent, I slept better, and best of all my relationships with myself significantly increased.

In fact, I don't think I could have started my own private practice business if I hadn't cut it out of my life. Maybe eventually I would have, but I gained the confidence and trust in myself to do it, along with the energy and the ability to follow through.

Not everyone feels this way, but I have zero desire to ever drink again nor do I care to now. At first I believed I'd have to convince myself of that forever, now I genuinely don't see any benefit or gain for myself personally with drinking and the benefits massively outweigh the negative consequences. My life is better and now I treat myself with more respect and kindness so I know I'll never bring that into my life again.

If you are contemplating taking a break or even reading this out of curiosity - there's probably a reason and it's a sign to see how it feels! You won't regret it. And again, you can always drink again, nothing has to be permanent.

If you want to do this with a therapist, particularly one that understands it , please reach out to me. I would be honored to support you through this journey. I also don't push sobriety, I know its not for everyone, I tailor the support to meet your needs because everyone is different. I will be here to help you explore all of this and think about what's best for you and create a specific plan for you.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! I almost guarantee you will thank yourself for trying this if you do it. And if you’re sober curious and want to hold off that’s okay! Taking a month off isn't the end all be all necessarily. Do it when you are READY. Or just replace a few drinks with NA options and be more mindful.

If you resonate with this blog and would like to explore the curiosity, your relationship with alcohol, mindfully drink, attempt sobriety, or beyond with me, please schedule a 15 minute consultation with me to see if we are a good fit!

Follow along my instagram for more tools related to alcohol use and mental health.

Resources:

If you are interested in resources to learn more:

Mental Health and Recovery Resources

-SAMHSA’s National Helpline

-Smart Recovery

-Recovery Dharma

-Gay & Sober

-AA & NA

Events/More Info

-https://thesobercurator.com/ which lists TONS of resources by state and has lots of information on events, venues, mocktails, etc.

-The Phoenix Active Community