Understanding The Effects Of Parentification On Mental Health In Adulthood

First of all, what is parentification?

Parentification is the reversal of roles between parents and child, usually in childhood and/or teen years where the child is still developing and maturing. While sometimes this will happen naturally, for the most part this can be quite impactful on the child which I will share more in the blog. When parents put responsibilities whether financially, logistically, emotionally, mentally, or physically it send messages to the child that their needs don’t matter, they are responsible for other people, and mature them before they are developmentally ready. I will note, that in some cultures this is fully normal and expected and values may be different, so I am speaking on here in America where there is a big value of individuality and interdependence.

Before getting into the impact, I want to share some examples of what parentification may look like below:

• A child taking care of their siblings whether emotionally (being responsible for their mental health or well being) or physically - feeding them, putting them to sleep, taking them to school

• A child mediating parents conflict or being put in the middle during fights

• A child helping parent pay bills, do administrative tasks, being a translator for them, cooking or cleaning

• A child hearing extreme and personal details about parents financial challenges

• A child being a parents emotional caretaker or “therapist,”  hearing every detail of a parents mental health struggle, having to soothe of comfort the parent through emotional challenges

• Hearing all of the details of your parents fights, problems, or hearing inappropriate details about the other parent

• Gossiping or negatively speaking about the other parent to the child

• Putting expectations of your well being and happiness onto the child

• Holding family secrets 

• Taking care of a physically sick relative 

• Witnessing a parent hurt themselves or others

• Enmeshment - lack of boundaries, whats your feeling is mine

Now, here are some of the effects that can come from parentification that you may experience in adulthood:

• Anxiety & depression

• Suppressing own emotions

• Never learning what their needs and feelings are

• Never learning what their identity is outside of supporting others

• Perfectionism

• People pleasing and codependent relationships

• Low self esteem

• Excessive guilt

• Struggle with boundary setting and assertiveness

• Chronic health issues & gut health issues

How?

Because a child is so focused on supporting and caretaking adults, the child doesn’t have much space to learn what their own emotions are, be able to learn tools to regulate own emotions. It sends the message to the child to attend to a parents need, not giving the child space to learn what theres are. It can often take away a childs ability to just be a child - play, freedom, lack of responsibility. It makes a child grow up before they are ready and learn things they are developmentally not supposed to yet.

It can also teach a child that their worth, value, or purpose is to help other people and usually at the cost of themselves. So often a parentified child that is now an adult, is one who struggles with people pleasing, suppressing their own emotions or needs (or doesn’t know them), and many end up chronic rescuers and caregivers in codependent relationships. Many feel guilt when they start wanting to focus on themselves or feel anxious, and depressed.

The good news as always, is if this speaks to you - you definitely can heal as an adult from being a parentified child. You have to start getting to know yourself and giving yourself the space to focus on yourself. Therapy, for example, is a way to work on this and by seeking support and getting the uninterrupted space to focus on you, you are already teaching yourself that you deserve that space and that you should have that space. You can also learn what parentification looked like for you and how it’s impacted you. How to set boundaries, how to have a voice again, how to stop feeling so guilty all the time.

You can still love and support your parents and have a close relationship, without crossing those parentified lines. And most likely your parent was just going through a difficult time and was trying their best with what they knew. These can be generational cycles too, your parents parents may have modeled this behavior. So by breaking the cycle you can change the future down the line for your own kids.

If you are realizing you were parentified, struggle with boundaries, are a people pleaser, or in codependent relationships and want to work on this in therapy together:
Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration.