We know the fight-flight-freeze-response, but what is the fawn response?

The fight-flight-freeze response is a fear system we've had throughout humanity to keep us safe from danger or threats. For example, many many years ago if there was a tiger chasing after you, the adrenal and threat response would kick in and you’d be able to run away faster, or depending on the animal you may play dead (freeze). If you witnessed a trauma, you may have had to numb and detach yourself or felt like you were just watching yourself from afar (dissociation) to get through it. These are ways our sympathetic nervous system gets activated when sensing threats and danger, to keep us alive and safe. If it didn't exist, the trauma or stress may be too much to handle.

The challenge with trauma is that after the distressing event is over, you may still live in a chronic or frequent state of fight-flight-freeze, despite now actually being safe. Your body doesn't realize you're safe anymore and is always on alert for danger, your sympathetic often gets triggered from perceived threats, mostly triggered from the old trauma, putting you into this increased state of arousal all the time. You may feel like you’re always on high alert and anxious, fearing that something wrong is about to happen at any point. Or the opposite, you may feel numbed out and not feeling much often. These are both ways you are constantly in a state of fight-flight-freeze, though your body is just trying to protect you.

Now the fawn response, is when you find yourself trying to decrease and avoid the distress or danger, by appeasing and keeping the threat happy. This looks like people pleasing and saying yes instead of no, submitting to the other person, trying to keep others happy, or putting them first while neglecting your own needs, desires, and feelings. This was another survival mechanism to keep you safe, usually a symptom of C-PTSD where you had to adhere to someone's wants and needs to not receive a negative reaction or response or to keep things stable. You now appease others and keep the peace to protect yourself.

Signs of the fawn response:

• People pleasing

• Saying yes even if you mean no

• Fear of conflict

• Adhering to other peoples wants, needs, desires and feeling afraid to attend to yours or neglect theirs, out of fear of their reaction/response

• Difficulty with or lack of boundary setting

• Praising and complimenting other people, even if you don't mean it

• Neglect or lack of understanding of your own needs/wants/desires

• Helping other people and feeling responsible to others emotions

• Guilt and shame when you can't meet someone else's expectations or requests

• Pretending you are okay, when you are not

• Keeping a smile on your face or appearing happy at all times

• Trying to predict other people's feelings, monitoring their moods

If these sound familiar to you, it's because they are aligned with the signs of codependency (in my other blog). That is because someone with codependency, is acting from a state of fawn usually. Both can be symptoms of complex ptsd and result in low self worth.

Whether from your attachment style and unmet needs by your caregiver, dynamics of unhealthy/abusive/neglectful relationships, dynamics of being related to or dating someone with narcissism, severe mental health issues, or addictions, parentification, or being close to someone with unpredictable and reactive behavior - these can be ways of coping and outcomes of those environments.

That is me! Now what do I do?

• Address it in therapy! Talk about it, name it, and start working on healing these responses. Awareness is always key so the insight that this is something you do is a huge step. Make sure you're working on it with someone trauma-informed

• Work on identifying what your needs, wants, values, and opinions are

• Start working on boundary setting, learn what they are and how to set/maintain

• Practice saying no and having a plan immediately after

• Practice regular self care, getting used to taking care of yourself

• Journal and practice mindfulness skills - breathwork, grounding, yoga, meditation

• Reach out to your support system, you deserve to receive help and asking for it may feel hard but it's important and brave. Begin sharing when you are not okay.

• Self-compassion. It takes time to undo these patterns, give yourself compassion for having to fawn to protect yourself and in the present too. If you backtrack, that's okay. It takes time!

If you are resonating with this blog and would like to set up a consultation to see if we are a good fit to work on fawning, people pleasing, codependency, or complex-ptsd, email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call.

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