Boundary Setting Tips
Boundaries are a buzz word right now, but what are they and how do we set them?
Boundaries are the lines and rules we draw within relationships to let others know what to expect and what we will tolerate. They also tell people what we need in relationships to make them work.
Boundaries don’t just have to be within relationships, we can set them for ourselves. You can have boundaries with yourself, for example what time you need to get to bed on weeknights to function the next day for work.
Deciding on what boundaries you need placed and then setting them can feel very scary for people. Particularly if you struggle with anxiety, codependency, you are a recovering people pleaser, or have a history of trauma- speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries can be overwhelming and anxiety provoking.
Often the reason people don't set them is because of the fear of other people’s reactions and wanting to avoid what they think is conflict. Will they be upset or angry with me? Will they hate me? Will they think I'm difficult? Or on a deeper level, will they leave me? No longer be my friend? Do I deserve to speak up and take care of my needs?
I always remind myself and others, boundaries are an act of love for yourself AND for the other person. If you are maintaining relationships with no boundaries or ones that are frequently not respected, it often leads to resentment and frustration which isn't helpful for either of you. If you speak up and set a boundary, say no, or ask for what you need you'll be more likely to feel closer to the person because you're being honest and getting what you need in the relationship.
Sometimes, setting boundaries isn't the issue. It's holding them, maintaining them, and following through that can be the tough part. You can't always predict how people will respond and especially as a people pleaser, it can be easy to take them back, let go of them, and backtrack.
If all of this resonates with you and you struggle to know where to start, here are some tips:
Think about what you want to say, ahead of time.
Create a rough draft of a script. It's not that you have to plan out every single word and be robotic, but thinking ahead of time what you want to say and how you want to articulate it, could help decrease the anxiety. Not only could you write it out to plan, you can talk it through in therapy or role-play with your therapist to practice.
Set it, and do not over explain, apologize, or ramble. Take a mindful moment, pause, take a breath.
Often the reason we backtrack is due to overexplaining and struggling to sit in the discomfort of a boundary or out of anxiety. Or, there may be an underlying belief behind it that you're not allowed to set boundaries since you haven't in the past, so guilt may arise. Again, boundaries are healthy for relationships and you deserve to set them and have them be respected.
Have a plan for yourself after.
If you're feeling anxious about it or anticipate pushback, have a grounding exercise to do directly after. Go outside for a walk, practice a 5 minute meditation, distract yourself with tv, call a friend, journal about it, take a hot bath. If it’s over text or on the phone, put your phone away and cook or clean.
Think what it means to maintain the boundary and follow through.
Boundaries are more than just stating a script, you need to then uphold the boundary. Think about what that means and make sure you're being consistent. If you set a boundary and go back on it, you teach other people and yourself that you don't mean your word and they won't always take it seriously.
Have a consequence to set if needed
If someone doesn't respect this boundary, then what? Let's say you told a family member that you don't want to be asked about dating and then they continue to pester you about it. Sometimes, distancing altogether or ending a relationship is what is needed if someone doesn't respect boundaries. That's not always possible of course nor do you always want to go there, so maybe you tell your family member you're going to have to leave the room if they bring it up again. Or, maybe you don't go to that particular family gathering with them. If a friend is frequently emotionally dumping on you and you’ve asked them to stop because you are not a therapist or don’t have capacity and they continue, a little distance is okay. Doesn’t mean you are totally ending the friendship. Sometimes some distance and healthy detachment is enough to keep it healthy and sustainable.
Take note of their reaction.
Last one, take note of how people respond. If boundary setting is new within a relationship, it's okay if it throws someone off guard and takes time, however it doesn't matter what point you're at in your relationship and how long you've known them, you're always allowed to set new boundaries. So, make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who respect and honor them. If they don't, that gives you a lot of information about that person or your relationship. They always say, if someone pushes back it may mean they were benefiting from you not having boundaries.
My last reminder: Boundaries take TIME and are a PRACTICE!
Especially if this is something new for you, don’t give up if people react badly to them or if you are in such high distress and feel uncomfortable. The more you practice, the more you uphold them, the better you will get at naturally setting them
You are allowed to set boundaries, they are not mean. Boundaries are healthy and needed.
If you are resonating with this blog and would like to set up a consultation to see if we are a good fit to work on boundary setting, people pleasing, codependency, or complex-ptsd, email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call.
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