What Is The Difference Between Shame And Guilt? (Plus How To Overcome Shame & Unhelpful Guilt)
Two of the most common emotions I see with survivors of trauma, people pleasers, perfectionists, codependents, people who struggle with low self esteem, and accompanying those who are anxious are shame and guilt. They can be all-consuming, visceral, and impact our mental health. Today I will dive into both, the differences, along with tips to overcome.
Let's start with APPROPRIATE and healthy guilt
Now I want to make a distinction that there is helpful and healthy guilt (and to some degree shame), but we are talking about unhelpful guilt & shame. The kind that doesn't actually do any good.
Healthy/helpful guilt is the guilt that you feel when you’ve genuinely done something wrong. This is the guilty feeling you get when you've acted out of character or out of alignment with your values and morals. For example, you lied to a close friend and you pride yourself on honesty. Then, guilt is a healthy emotion as long as it’s not chronic and it helps you take action to correct the behavior. For example, now you may come clean about the lie and correct it or choose not to again in the future.
I usually don't believe there is much good with shame either - however, similarly if you’ve done something totally out of alignment with who you are, your values, morals, and completely socially inappropriate - a tiny bit of shame that leads to seeking support or taking action can be okay.
So with that in mind, the rest of this blog is going to be talking about unhelpful guilt and shame. I will speak to what each looks like and the differences between them because they may seem or feel similar, but they have their own experiences.
Unhelpful or unhealthy guilt
Guilt - unhelpful guilt is felt when you believe that you have let other people down, not met their expectations, or not met your OWN. It can be felt when you believe you’ve done something wrong, even though you have not actually.
For example:
You set a boundary and you believe that this is “mean”, when in reality it's healthy and important for relationships. Or maybe you even did something that doesn't fully align with who you'd like to be - for example, you forgot a friend's birthday - however it lingers for a long time and completely takes over your day or week and doesn't subside, triggering harsh criticism of yourself.
People pleasers often feel guilty for having their own opinions, speaking up about something honestly, boundaries, saying no, or not giving into other’s requests and needs. You feel like you are being rude, disappointing someone else, or back to your own expectations - you are so used to being the people pleaser you feel you are not fulfilling your role to help other people or be “kind” to other people.
So as you can see guilt is very action and behavior driven - it makes you feel like you've DONE something wrong. It can be quite visceral too, you may notice anxiety arise with it or feelings of discomfort in your body.
Now what is SHAME?
Shame on the other hand - is an emotion that is rooted in having a deep rooted inherent belief that you are an unworthy or an undeserving person, flawed, inadequate, or a belief that there is something wrong with you. Shame tell us that we are bad people. So the focus is “I'm bad”, instead of “I've done something bad” like guilt.
Shame often accompanies self-hatred, low self esteem, a harsh inner critic, and feelings of embarrassment. Many trauma survivors feel shame, despite the traumatic things in their past happening to them which were undeserved and unjust. Trauma survivors often internalize negative beliefs about themselves and can be found blaming themselves.
Shame is also quite visceral and can be associated with a collapsed, shut down feeling, alone with sensations in the chest or throat.
Questions or journal prompts to first ask yourself when you experience either:
Which is it that you are experiencing? Label it and name it
Where does it show up in your body? As mentioned, shame often its a feeling in the chest, a slumping or sinking sensation, a desire to cry. Guilt can be anxiety producing, feelings in the stomach.
What is the belief associated with it? For example: with guilt what are you perceiving that you’ve done wrong? What is the expectation you feel you are not fulfilling - the role of being available and helpful?
Tips to overcome shame & guilt:
Journal about the feeling, what’s behind it, what is triggering it, and find some ways to challenge it.
Mindfulness - continue noticing where it is in the body and allow yourself to accept that it’s there for a bit. Notice what it feels like when you fully embrace it - as weird as that may sound. While it’s something for the bigger picture to work through, you have to accept emotions first before changing them. Ask what it’s message is telling you.
Speak about it in therapy, so you can work through where it comes from and how to truly process. Especially if you feel it chronically, it’s a pattern.
Move your body - for guilt you may want to go outside and walk or do some exercises to release the energy. For shame - use your 5 senses to awaken yourself and do more of light stretching or yoga.
Self compassion - both shame & guilt’s antidotes are self-compassion. Put one hand on your heart and say to yourself, “may I be kind to myself” “I have not done anything wrong” or “I am enough” or “I am worthy” depending on what you are experiencing.
You can work through either emotion. And having them show up once in a while isn’t so bad, but when either or both become chronic, patterns, and unprocessed - that’s when the impact hits. Experiencing both constantly is a sign that it’s time to go to therapy, because something is going on with your mental health.
If either or both speak to you and you feel ready to work on it, I’d be honored to help you along the way! I am accepting a few new clients in NYC, NJ, MD, and DC in 2025. Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration on these topics.
