What Causes Codependency? Understanding How It Develops & Signs Of Codependency In Relationships
Codependency is often a word that can be stigmatized or just not understood. I will share what it is and how it looks in relationships, however if you want to learn even more on the signs check out an old blog here. Today, I will explore the connection how relational trauma, family dynamics, and other patterns in your childhood have developed into codependency in relationships.
What is codependency? And What are signs/patterns of codependency?
It's a pattern in relationships where you are chronically neglecting yourself, prioritizing the other person's needs, feelings, and problems over your own. Codependency at its core holds a lot of self-neglect, self-abandonment, and avoidance of yourself in the pursuit of getting your sense of self & identity, validation, needs, and purpose from other people.
Codependent people are often the fixers with their loved ones, always stepping in to solve people's issues, giving advice, and being the person always readily available to help. A codependent person believes it's on them to save other people. And while this sounds compassionate and some of it is, the helping also comes from a place of wanting to be needed and a high desire for control. Controlling how other people see you and always believing you know what's best for them. Letting go of control and letting people be and make mistakes, is tough for a codependent person.
Boundaries are non-existent or very infrequent in a codependent relationship, everything is shared, there is no privacy and no difference in opinions or wants. Guilt tripping, over-responsibility for the others emotions, and shame is accompanying the relationship.
People pleasing and always putting others above yourself and rarely ever articulating your needs or even knowing what they are is also the norm. Fawning, avoidance of confrontation, and struggling to be honest with how you feel is the usual.
At the deepest fear - a codependent person fears being abandoned, never feeling good enough, and holds seething resentment because nobody sees them and gives them the love they are always giving to other people. Being codependent can feel lonely even though you're surrounded by other people 99% of the time.
A codependent person struggles with low self-esteem and a harsh inner critic. A root to healing is improving the relationship with yourself to build self-trust, confidence, authenticity, and self-worth. Codependents are always critical of themselves and rarely self-compassionate. High expectations and even perfectionism can come with it.
If you are feeling like this speaks to you - here are some of the ways in which codependency could have developed from relational trauma or other family dynamics. I want to preface, these are a handful of reasons. There are other ways that codependency can be formed and that's worth exploring with a licensed therapist.
Relational trauma is trauma that happens in the context of interpersonal relationships - whether parents, friends, loved ones, etc. It can be any relationship. Often people think of trauma as only abuse or assault or accidents. But trauma is so much more than that, read more on relational trauma here.
When it comes to codependency in particular, it mostly formed from relational trauma, unhealthy family dynamics, or attachment styles. They center around 5 types:
Emotionally immature parents & destructive parentification
Family members or loved ones with addictions, severe mental health, or caregiving
Toxic relationships with narcissists or emotional abusers
Enmeshed family dynamics & modeling
Abandonment & attachment wounds
Emotionally immature parenting & destructive parentification
Even if your parents had the absolute best of intentions, if they were emotionally immature (struggled to regulate their own emotions, had major issues with their own self-esteem, and were not able to fully meet your emotional needs growing up) this can turn into codependency. For example, destructive parentification. Parentification (to learn more read here) is the role reversal - the child takes care of the parent, mediates the family issues and fights, or takes on another highly inappropriate adult-like responsibility at a young age.
The reason this can cause codependency is because it teaches the young child to neglect their own needs and emotions and focus on the parents. They may have received praise for how attuned they were to the parent, they may have received love for being the parents “therapist” and they may have been called mature for their age, reinforcing this pattern. Maybe as the mediator of your family's fights, you were taught that being in a fixer role gave you value. And in familys with a lack of emotional maturity, often the child regulates the parents emotions or was not taught how to appropriately express and process emotions, leaving the child to learn alternative ways for example avoiding emotions or seeking regulation and validation from other people rather than themselves. An emotionally immature parent may have placed so much emphasis on their kid for providing them all of their own happiness.
Which can teach a child that their worth will come from making someone else happy.
Enmeshed family dynamics & modeling
In families where there are no boundaries and children/teens were able to do whatever they want without consequences, this can lead to a child not learning to have boundaries or responsibility for themselves. If self-sacrifice and being a martyr was modeled to you from a parent, that can also have a huge impact.
Enmeshment (read more here) is where there are no boundaries, no separation of identities, everyone's pain is shared, and people take on responsibility for one anothers stuff. In enmeshed dynamics, you may get guilt tripped if you have different opinions or wants or needs. You may learn that you must take on your loved ones feelings or you are “bad.” You may be told that privacy and boundaries are “keeping secrets” even though they are just having personal autonomy.
Or again, if a parent was always self sacrificing and you never learned what it’s like to actually practice self care.
Caregiving or support to a loved one with substance use or mental health challenges
In the previous paragraphs I talked more about emotional caregiving a parent who relied on the child for emotional support. Similarly, if you had a family member with addiction, severe mental health challenges, or a major health issues - a child/teen may have had to support this family member emotionally, physically, financially, etc.
If you grew up so out of the spotlight because everyone was always focused on supporting this individual; you may have never learned what's yours and what's theirs. You may have learned to completely abandon yourself to make sure the other is okay. You may have gotten so absorbed in their challenges, that there was nos space for you in the house and you felt deeply impacted by what they were going through and learned to take it on as your own. You may have neglected taking any care of yourself, because they were struggling “more.” You may have never gotten the time to practice self care or you felt very guilty and bad if you did.
Especially with a loved one with addiction, you can get so caught up in helping and rescuing and then even enabling. Which can also be a core problem in codependent relationships. Wanting to rescue people from their pain and consequences, rather than let them face their own problems.
Toxic relationship patterns with a narcissist or emotionally abusive person
If you had a family member or partner with serious emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic tendencies - gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping, and shaming were probably normal tactics. This can cause someone to doubt themselves, lose themselves, and harm a person's sense of sense. If a loved one threatened to or would leave or only give you love and withheld affection until you behaved a certain way, it can teach codependent tendencies.
If your sense of self was being put down in your upbringing and you were always on eggshells or in fear, you may have learned to fawn and people please (read more here) to appease the person, bring the tension down, and to keep yourself safe. Again, these reinforce teaching you to neglect yourself and appease the other person. Gaslighting teaches you to not trust your gut. And fear teaches you to prioritize someone else over yourself to stay safe.
Abandonment & attachment wounds
If you had a loved one or romantic partner pass away or leave, this can cause abandonment fears, wounds, and codependency. If you had a disorganized or anxious attachment with your caregiver as a baby, you may still hold attachment wounds and seek healing it now in alternative ways. You may look for love in people who don’t deserve it. You may deeply want that sense of validation from someone, you lose yourself in the process.
Do you resonate with any of these?
I highly recommend exploring whatever one you resonated most with, with a licensed therapist. Learning how to fully process trauma, shift your attachment style, or changing codependent dynamics takes time and work with a mental health professional. I do want to say, it can be done! I believe there is healing in codependency and you can learn to create healthier interdependent dynamics over time.
Additionally, you have to learn how to be with yourself and treat yourself with love and kindness. You must learn to trust in yourself and release shame and guilt. It’s very possible!
If you believe you may be struggling with codependency in your relationships and want to heal from codependency, I’d be honored to help you along the way! I am accepting a few new clients in NYC, NJ, MD, and DC in 2025. Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration on these topics.
If you want to heal in a group setting or as an addition to your individual work, I am running an online Womens Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group. We will meet Tuesdays from 4:30-5:45 est and cover topics related to this blog. If you want to learn more on these patterns and how to actually overcome it, if you want to gain the support of others who are struggling with it too, and you want to heal in a community of women - please schedule a free phone consultation to learn more!
