8 Steps To Overcome People Pleasing & Re-Building Your Self-Trust After Years Of People Pleasing Tendencies
People pleasers are those who appease other people constantly, while self-abandoning, to try to make other people happy or like them for a variety of deeper reasons. You can read more in depth to see if you resonate with these signs of a people pleaser or if you’d like to understand people pleasing from a relational trauma perspective - fawning if that’s how it was developed for you.
The sad thing about people pleasing and always neglecting yourself to make the other person “happy,” is that you lose yourself in the process.
Most clients I work with that people please or struggle with codependent like habits are so used to putting other people above them self, so they don't even know what they want or what they need when they think on it. They lose their sense of trust, in themselves, their sense of self, and sometimes they are even unaware of their own desires, opinions, and values. So today we will talk about not only how to overcome people pleasing, but some ways to rebuild the trust in yourself because that's a huge component to healing after people pleasing. Here are the 8 steps.
1. Understand The Why & How
Step one before diving into any of the tips, is that first you must have an understanding of why you people please and how it shows up in your life. There are sooo many reasons why again, which you can read more on in previous blogs. Are you afraid of disappointing people? Do you feel guilt if you don’t people please? Did you learn to fawn as a trauma response from childhood trauma? Do you believe people wont like you if you are yourself? Regardless of what resonates, people pleasers often act out of fear and struggle with their sense of worth or low self esteem. It’s important to understand where this developed and wahts stopping you from being honest. Then, you can do the rest of the work to actually change it. Butt explore this with a therapist or by journaling if you can get to these conclusions.
2. Understand That People Pleasing Doesn’t Actually Serve You The Way You Believe It Does And Accept That It’s Not Kindness
Once you learn that people pleasing isn’t the same as actual kindness, you realize that the superficial purpose it serves isn’t true. And once you accept that it is truly a self abandoning way of emotional unavailability - you will no longer want to do it. This is sometimes tougher to hear at first because you may be the “easy going” and “friendly” one, but that is because you may be letting other people decide everything and rarely ever assert yourself. That is a form of emotional unavailability because you are being real with not only loved ones, but yourself. You can form true deep connections based upon say yes to everything and not being authentic. Do you really want your friendships to be based upon lies that you’ve said to avoid hurting their feelings? If you only people please in a relationship they don’t know the real you, the don’t truly know what you love in life and what is important to you. And any “conflict” you may fear - is needed for a relationship. Repairing after a conflict is key to build trust with people. So once you see that people pleasing isn’t truly serving you it’ll be easier to break the habit because you realize it’s not getting you to where you want to be. Even if previously you may have believed it was.
3. Take Intentional Time To Get To Know Yourself On A Deep Level. Learn What Your Needs, Values, Desires, Hobbies, And Opinions Are.
This sounds like a lot, but as I said when you people please for so long you abandon yourself here. You abandon what you want and need, to appease the other person. So over time you lose your sense of self and may no longer have the answers to the above areas. So if you can spend some time whether in therapy, by journaling, or by alone time self care days - really sit with all of these and think about what are true for you. Make a list of what hobbies and interests excite you, look up a list of values and circle which stand out to you (this is something I love doing in therapy sessions, along with emotional needs and some of the others above). You won’t figure all of this out in a journaling session, but when you start exploring this and making intentional effort to get to know yourself over time you feel develop your sense of self. Try different hobbies out, speak up when you have an opinion, make sure you are getting a core emotional need met, explore if you are living in accordance to your values.
4. Make A Routine Self Care Day Of ONLY Spending Time With Yourself Alone At Least A Weekly Practice If Not More Frequently
Similarly to the previous one, you need to reconnect with yourself and show yourself that you care. Often people pleasers struggle with being alone so if you can work on getting comfortable with this, you will feel so good. And practicing intentional self-care regularly, shows you that you can take good care of yourself. It shows that you attend to your own needs and will make sure you fill your cup. It teaches you to trust yourself.
5. Practice Sharing How You Really Feel The Next Time A Loved One Asks
People pleasers often tell people “everything is fine!” when on the inside and deep down they may be struggling. Feeling afraid of sharing how they really are and fears of being authentic/vulnerable is very normal for a people pleaser - they don't want to offend anyone, burden anyone, say too much, or make things about them. On a deeper level, they don’t want to be judged, rejected, or abandoned if they show who they really are. When in reality, healthy mutual relationships require both parties to be open and vulnerable for emotional connection to take place. So, start small because this will take time to get used to. The next time a loved one asks how you are and you are feeling stressed, drained, sad, anxious, etc - share that! See how it feels to be real. See how other people support you and let them. You don’t have to have it together 24/7, you are not perfect - no human is! Also, to tie it back to the theme of rebuilding yourself - you will feel sooo much better when you let things out and when you let people help you. Rather than abandon how you really feel and pretend. When you do that, you hold things in and don’t feel good. Plus, it comes out one way or another in unhealthy forms. So start by looking at what fears you have if you were to be honest and vulnerable and then practice it in small bits.
6. Say No To A Small Request To Start Practicing The Habit Or Set A Low Stakes Boundary
Rarely saying no and struggling with setting boundaries are core to people pleasing - it would be rude or mean right? People pleasers feel selfish for having boundaries and feel offensive and guilty if they were to say no. So they either lie about their true wishes and say yes while secretly building up resentment or they may even pretend with themselves but wonder why they are always drained and burnt out. This is a one way ticket to not only self abandonment but harming your relationship with yourself. Please know, boundaries are healthy and needed and saying no is absolutely okay. You’d rather say yes out of true desire and love than out of obligation and fear of what they’ll think of you. So, to practice this again, find a low stakes boundary to set with someone that you know will respect it easily or say no to someone and practice sitting in the discomfort of what it feels like. Practice not caving in, not over explaining, and not apologizing. You will feel so proud of yourself and as you do this more you will start trusting yourself!! To learn distress tolerance skills or come up with a script for boundaries - this is a great thing to do with a therapist.
7. Reframe How You View Conflict & Confrontation And Learn It’s Okay To Disappoint People
People pleasers tend to think everything is a conflict or a big confrontation even if you are just saying no or speaking up for yourself. Usually, these conflicts are much smaller than you blow it up to be and the other person isn’t even mad. It just feels big because you rarely speak up assertively and your fear of upsetting them is acting up. If you can remind yourself being honest isn’t necessarily creating a confrontation. And saying no isn’t actually a big conflict. And then also at the same time, sometimes relationships do require conflict - it’s how you communicate and work through them and how you repair after. So you can also remind yourself true friends and partners will get through it with you and you will be stronger for it. Plus, you will trust yourself that you can assert yourself, speak up for yourself, and protect yourself. That’s huge. Odds are no one is going to be mad at you anyway and if they are thats okay. You are allowed to disappoint people. They can handle it and so can you!
8. Practice Self-Compassion
People pleasers are often very critical of themselves. So, the act of self compassion (treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one) is crucial. You deserve that! The next time your inner critic is very loud and telling you mean things - try to shift the language with kindness. Try to say something just a bit nicer. Put one hand on your heart and take a breath and then give yourself the words of encouragement and validation. And, be gentle with yourself as you work on all of this. It takes time to undo patterns, so if you slip up and people please or take back your no, that’s okay don’t judge yourself just try again next time.
Now What?
If all of this is feeling overwhelming and hard, that’s okay. Again, a long standing pattern you have isn’t going to change overnight. It takes intention, effort, and practice. If you feel you can start working on this now, go through those steps and get to journaling and practicing. If you want some support along the way, go to a therapist that understands the depths of people pleasing and a therapist who will help you uncover the why behind you doing it before diving into the skills to practice this stuff.
If you resonate with this blog or some of my others and believe I could support you - I’d be honored to! I am accepting a few new clients in NYC, NJ, MD, and DC in 2025. Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call. Follow my instagram page for more learning, tools, and inspiration on these topics. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter at the bottom of my website, to also have access to more tools and learning.
