Rescuing Vs Supporting In Relationships And How To Stop Rescuing Others
Rescuing is a term that describes an unhealthy version of helping/support. The lines can be blurred, but rescuing is more about enabling, trying to fix other people’s issues, and to change people.
I will go over what rescuing looks like, why rescuing happens, and what is enabling & rescuing vs supporting in the context of relationships, and how to stop rescuing others.
I do want to mention that rescuing can be an indicator of a codependent relationship and tendency. It is also a sign of an enmeshed dynamic whether with a friend, partner, or family member. Read my other blogs to learn more about what codependency is, where it comes from and what enmeshment is.
Here is what it looks like to rescue in your relationships:
Doing things for others that they are capable of
Making it easier for others to continue unhealthy behaviors
Helping others avoid consequences
Doing more than your share
Giving unsolicited advice
Taking responsibility for others issues/emotions/behaviors
Trying to take away or fix their pain
Trying to solve their problems
Help out of obligation, rather than because you want to
Helping when you don't have capacity, time, or energy but do so anyway
You may feel annoyed if they dont take in the help or listen to your advice
So what is the difference between rescuing and supporting? The motivation and expectation behind both.
HELPING: No strings attached, no expectations, does not foster dependence for others, and because you truly genuinely want to. You could you don’t HAVE to. It won't leave you feeling annoyed if they don't take the advice or support. You do it when you have capacity and want to, but you will not feel guilty if you don’t.
RESCUING: Strings may be attached, theres likely secret expectations (covert contracts) for example: If I fix their problems, they will want and need me. If I fix their problems, they will give me the same support in return. If I am always there for them, they won't leave. If you find yourself keeping score “well I was there for them this many times” that's a sign you're rescuing
Rescuing can also be similar to enabling where youre doing something for someone that they can do on their own, helping them not experience consequences, and reinforcing negative behavior.
Rescuing has a reason behind it and its taking away the autonomy of someone else, its not trusting that they can handle their own life and experiences on their own. Often its even that you believe you know better for them and comes from a need for control.
While rescuing may sound bad when writing it out, its quite common and doesnt have to come from a bad place. Its just a behavior developed (which I will write about more soon). People who rescue are likely still highly helpful, compassionate, and supportive the difference is that when you support someone its a bit more altruistic and you HAVE the capacity. You arent neglecting yourself in the process.
Often those with rescuing tendencies believe that helping others is tied to their identity. A belief that you know whats best for people, you are always available to be other peoples go to, and that you are the giver/helper/fixer. Whereas someone who is supportive may believe they are compassionate but they arent so wrapped up in the identity of it.
A CYCLE in rescuing is….RESENTMENT AND REGRET builds often.
When it feels like…
Its not appreciated
Its not taken
When you're actually neglecting yourself because youre so focused on the other person
When its out of obligation
When no one notices or gives you the same support back
If you feel any of those its likely rescuing. And when someone doesnt accept your support you feel annoyed or if they dont reciprocate though this expectation hasnt been said, you build resentment.
Why does rescuing happen? How does rescuing develop?
Can give a sense of purpose, to feel needed, important, useful, to be validated, to get attention, love.
It was a learned behavior to help minimize caregivers distress
It was modeled- the family dynamic is enmeshed and there is rescuing that is looked at as love and the only way to interact. Maybe you were shamed if you didn't do this. Rescuing was reinforced and maybe you got more attention for it.
Unconscious effort to do over trauma (ex - you struggled as a child and wish someone was there to take away your pain, so now you give to other people what you wish you had)
You had parents who couldnt take care of themselves - whether physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc (parentification - the roles were reversed) so this was your role and now you do have a deep belief that others cant do these things for themselves or that the discomfort of them facing their own stuff will be too impossible
Deep belief that it is your duty to help people, its tied to your identity of who you are, or you believe others will suffer if you don't help, “i know what they need” - giving people their autonomy is hard
You cant sit with the discomfort that people are going to struggle and have hard emotions. So you want to avoid it.
You're afraid of saying no to someone who asks something of you, you people please. You don't have the boundaries to know what you can say yes to.
Tips to stop rescuing others:
Recognize what's your responsibility and what’s not
Think about the motivation behind what you are doing and the expectation you have if there is one
Ask yourself if someone asked you to support them and if they did in what way? Refrain from giving unsolicited advice. Catch yourself if you feel the urge to take away their pain
Detach with love, breathe, let go. “Let them.”
Work on setting boundaries & refocus your energy on yourself. What is it that I need right now?
Remind yourself that you can support and help and be there for them without rescuing, which doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t do ___ (fill in the blank for your own rescuing tendencies)
Remember and trust that people are capable of taking care of themselves and they will get through. If not, that is not your fault. It is not your job.
Ask yourself, do I have the time, capacity, and energy to support right now? Do I want to help? Or do I feel I have to or should? Or is it because I'd feel guilt if I didn’t?
Develop mindfulness skills to catch yourself wanting to rescue and to help with the detaching with love
All this to say, it’s also not black and white. Of course there will be times when we don’t have capacity but we help our loved ones because they need us. And of course sometimes you do give a little unsolicited advice. And those who regularly rescue likely are quite compassionate and helpful from a genuine place. This is just to note when you find yourself constantly rescuing and your identity is wrapped up in it. It can really impact the quality of your relationships.
These patterns are learned and reinforced over time whether from modeling, trauma, family dynamics, etc and they can be unlearned just like everything else!
It is highly recommended to work on this with your therapist so you can feel freer and let go of control. Your relationships will get better and you will feel lighter.
If you believe you may be rescuing, in an enmeshed or codependent relationships, and want support to shift these tendencies - I’d be honored to help you along the way! I am accepting a few new clients in NYC, NJ, MD, and DC in 2025.
Email alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15 min phone call.
If you want to heal in a group setting or as an addition to your individual work, I am running an online Womens Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group. We will meet Tuesdays from 4:30-5:45 est and cover topics related to this blog. If you want to learn more on these patterns and how to actually overcome it, if you want to gain the support of others who are struggling with it too, and you want to heal in a community of women - please schedule a free phone consultation to learn more!
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