How To Recognize People Pleasing Patterns And Start Healing
A people pleaser is someone who appeases another person to keep them happy, but at the detriment of themselves. Neglecting their own needs, opinions, desires, and/or wants to keep someone else happy with you. People pleasers aren’t necessarily kind it's just that they are typically passive in communication, it’s a way to be liked, loved, or seen by others. It’s also a fear driven response to avoid conflict, rejection, or abandonment - to control how other people perceive you and maintain the relationship with “ease” and “peace.” It often stems from a deeper desire for validation, love, or safety.
The reason this may sound like being “kind” but not really is, is because it means you are not being authentic to you and you are ignoring or even abandoning your own feelings, opinions, desires, and needs. While maybe that doesn’t sound so bad superficially, there is a cost over time. It slowly but surely breaks down the trust within yourself. If you are a life long people pleaser, you may not even know who you are and what brings you joy because you are so used to thinking of other people first. If I asked you what your top 5 values and 5 emotional needs that are most important for you are, could you answer? If there is hesitation that may be a sign of being a long term people pleaser.
People pleasing is a bit deeper than just wanting to avoid conflict or confrontation. There is more underneath the surface. Sometimes there is a deep fear that if you disagreed with a loved one, they will think badly of you, that you will hurt them, or that they will actually dislike you. Sometimes there is a fear that if they see the real you, that they will see that you are not worthy or good enough for them. Sometimes there is a fear if you speak up, they will want to leave the relationship.
Here are 6 signs you may be a people pleaser:
1. You automatically say yes and don’t speak up for what you want, even if you secretly do have a preference.
People pleasers deeply struggle to say no to other people's requests. A simple example may be if a friend asks you to go to dinner out of your budget, but you say yes to avoid how they will respond if you said no. Another example may be saying yes to taking on too many tasks at work, with the undercover desire for your boss to value you, even though you are burnt out and don’t have capacity or want to.
2. Boundary setting or speaking in a direct, assertive manner is hard and guilt inducing, so you often don’t set boundaries in the first place.
People pleasers struggle to set boundaries. An example is if a family member or friend is oversharing and emotionally dumping on you and you are going through your own challenges and can’t support them, instead of letting them know you don’t have capacity; you listen anyway and stress yourself out further because you are afraid of being “mean” if you said the truth. Relationships with people pleasers lack boundaries (read this to learn boundary setting tips)
3. Confrontation or disagreeing is scary and you avoid it at all costs.
People pleaser’s hate confrontation and view speaking up as “conflict” regardless of how people respond. If you think that it's “mean” to say no or are afraid of hurting people's feelings for voicing your true opinions and thoughts, that may be a sign you're a people pleaser. Though confrontation can be tough and may bring discomfort, it's an important part of a relationship - when done appropriately and in a healthy manner. It doesn't make you a bad or mean person.
4. If you do say no, set a boundary, or ask for a need to be met; you feel anxiety, guilt, shame, and over explain yourself or apologize immediately.
On the rare occasion a people pleaser says no, communicates a boundary, or expresses their needs, you typically feel anxious, guilt, shame or like you’re a “bad person.” And in order to relieve this discomfort you may take it back, apologize, or over explain yourself. This is from a belief that you will disappoint others, hurt their feelings or don't deserve to speak up. Or a belief that if you do, people will leave you, be upset with you, or not love you. Having needs feels like “too much” or a burden to place onto others.
5. Your default response is, “I’m fine!” and in fact you may even believe that.
People pleasers hide how they are really feeling and typically wear a smile even if that doesn't reflect how they are feeling inside. People pleasers get so used to saying things are okay and agreeing with others, they may even disconnect with themselves and not know how they are feeling anymore.
6. You spend most of the time doing what other people want and over-extending yourself, even if you don’t actually want to or have capacity out of guilt, obligation, or fear of saying no.
Your preferences get pushed aside and you spend a lot of time defering to other people. You may even now know or trust what your opinions and preferences are over time. It may feel easier to just do what other people say and want even when you’re depleted and exhausted, because saying no feels so hard. This might be tough to hear, but if you deep down feel frustrated, resentful, and like no one is giving you the same you give them - it’s not too fair because you are making them think you are okay. You need to learn how to be honest, say no, and know when it’s time to speak up. And you CAN!
Okay I am a people pleaser, why? And where did this come from?
People pleasing can develop from many things - low self esteem and confidence is usually a major part of it. The pattern of neglecting yourself builds over time, leading you not to trust yourself or feel authentic. It could have been learned- if you have caregivers who were similar and struggled to be authentic - you could have adapted this behavior and mentality.
It can also be a trauma response - a way to avoid conflict and keep the peace. You may have grown up in a stressful environment where people pleasing and fawning (read my blog on fawning here), was a way to keep yourself safe. Or if you experienced a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, people pleasing the other person may have kept them happy which meant your safety and comfort. Please note that if you are a fawner, you are people pleasing as well. But if you are a people pleaser, it doesn’t always mean you are fawning (though usually both are connected and happening).
Childhood conditioning: You grew up being praised for being easy going, agreeable, the “good one,” helpful, etc
Modeling: Your caregivers were people pleasers so you didnt learn any other way
Fear of rejection: If you learned that love, belonging, or acceptance was conditional or earned, you learned to be agreeable to get those needs met
Low self -esteem: If you learned that your wants or needs are not important or valid and you need external validation to feel good about yourself, you might people please to receive validation, love or care
Perfectionism: Wanting to be seen as “good,” “perfect,” or “easy going” rather than “difficult”can lead to chronic people pleasing
Social anxiety: Fears of being judged, disliked, or doing something wrong/awkward/off putting
Cultural, religion, or family values: Some cultures and family systems value self-sacrifice, obedience, or being seen as “helpful” and “good” so its a survival strategy to be accepted and loved. Putting others first and neglecting yourself may be seen as whats most important so it can be internalized.
Trauma and safety response: This is where fawning comes in - if you had to adhere to others needs, neglect and minimize yourself to keep the peace for survival and safety - it has turned into a trauma response.
People Pleasing Rooted In Fear
People pleasing is usually rooted in fear. Fear of conflict or confrontation, fear of what people will think of you if you express yourself, fear of being judged for being your authentic self, fear of being left or abandoned, fear of disappointing others and/or fear of not being liked or loved (rejection).
The issue is, you're not actually being your authentic self so you don't even know if your family and friends are seeing you and loving you for you, because you are hiding parts of yourself! People want and deserve the truth and as hard as it is, your friends and family will be there even when you set boundaries and speak your opinions. And if not, that's a lot of needed information. If someone doesn't respect your boundaries or dislikes when you disagree with them and speak your truth, they aren't right for you in the first place or were benefiting off your lack of boundaries.
Now what? Can I change this?
Yes! If you related to any of this, there is hope and a way to heal! You can become more understanding of what your own preferences, needs, wants, desires, and opinions are and starting to learn to express them in a direct and assertive manner. You can practice saying no, setting boundaries, and sitting with the discomfort of speaking up. You can learn coping strategies to manage anxiety and and tolerate the discomfort of breaking these patterns. You can develop attunement to what your feelings are and where you feel them in your body.
Since people pleasing was likely a learned behavior or something you developed over time for various reasons - figuring that out can be quite helpful - to understand what purpose people pleasing is serving you. To figure out when you learned it and how long it’s been going on.
Ultimately, it’s going to take time to re-build self trust after so many years of these patterns. If you’d like to learn 8 steps to practice doing just that - read my rebuilding self-trust after years of people pleasing blog here.
Here is some of the work that can be done that helps:
Uncovering where people pleasing came from and what its serving you
Identifying the fears and the deep rooted beliefs that are behind people pleasing tendencies
Learning what your feelings, opinions, values, desires, and needs are
Developing assertive communication skills and practicing
Learning what boundaries are, how to set them, maintain them, and not go back on them
Asking for help, support, and requesting needs
Learning distress tolerance and mindfulness skills
Making self care a priority and learning how to best take care of yourself
Shifting inner critic to a more compassionate kind one
Final thoughts:
I will say though, it does take time and intention. It takes practice. It takes getting comfortable with the discomfort it’s going to bring. But when you do, you will feel empowered, relieved, and ultimately more yourself. When you start living life for yourself you feel bold, confident, and more authentically you which builds back up the trust in yourself. You start seeing yourself differently and you feel proud of yourself. And, ironically though you may believe the opposite as a people pleaser - you will have better, deeper, and more meaningful relationships with others.
