What Is High Functioning Codependency? Signs, Root Causes, and Healing
What does codependency actually mean?
We constantly hear the word "codependency" thrown around to define a relationship where a person relies on another a little too much, but codependency is so much more than that. I added “high functioning,” because the old school definition isn’t necessarily needed to identify with codependent behavior and can be highly stigmatizing. Many codependents are extremely high functioning, successful, and doing well, just struggling with these patterns in their life. I will share what it is and how it looks in relationships, along with where it comes from in this blog today!
It's a pattern in relationships where you are chronically neglecting yourself, prioritizing the other person's needs, feelings, and problems over your own. Codependency at its core holds a lot of self-neglect, self-abandonment, and avoidance of yourself in the pursuit of getting your sense of self & identity, validation, needs, and purpose from other people.
Codependent people are often the fixers with their loved ones, always stepping in to solve people's issues, giving advice, and being the person always readily available to help. A codependent person believes it's on them to save other people. And while this sounds compassionate and some of it is, the helping also comes from a place of wanting to be needed and a high desire for control. Controlling how other people see you and always believing you know what's best for them. Letting go of control and letting people be and make mistakes, is tough for a codependent person.
Boundaries are non-existent or very infrequent in a codependent relationship, everything is shared, there is no privacy and no difference in opinions or wants. Guilt tripping, over-responsibility for the others emotions, and shame accompanies the relationship.
People pleasing and always putting others above yourself and rarely ever articulating your needs or even knowing what they are is also the norm. Fawning, avoidance of confrontation, and struggling to be honest with how you feel is the usual.
At the deepest fear - a codependent person fears being abandoned, never feeling good enough, and holds seething resentment because nobody sees them and gives them the love they are always giving to other people. Being codependent can feel lonely even though you're surrounded by other people 99% of the time.
A codependent person struggles with low self-esteem and a harsh inner critic. A root to healing is improving the relationship with yourself to build self-trust, confidence, authenticity, and self-worth. Codependents are always critical of themselves and rarely self-compassionate. High expectations and often perfectionism can come with it.
There is no one way to define it, but here are some signs of codependency:
Chronic people pleasing: do you submit to others, struggle to speak up for yourself, agree to others opinions, and give in to asks from others even when you don't want to?
Saying yes when it’s really a no. Major discomfort saying no.
Being unsure of what a boundary really is or how to set them, realizing you have fairly loose boundaries, or lacking the ability to set and maintain, as well as follow through on them, particularly with a fear of what the other person will think or feel.
Lack of self-identity. You may feel unsure of your values, your opinions, your emotions, or needs. You may not know who you are or what you have to offer outside of supporting people.
Challenges with your self-esteem, self-worth coming externally, negative self-talk, and a loud inner critic. Your worth may come from other peoples validation and their sense of “needing you.”
Putting other people before yourself. Is your identity in your caretaker ways? Are you a rescuer of other people’s problems? Do you like to save and help others at the detriment of yourself? We like to think this is admirable, and it is in many ways, but it also means you are neglecting yourself and you deserve better.
Lack of self-care. Do you tell yourself you don’t have time for self care, it’s not important, or you don’t even know where you could begin or find the time?
Controlling the behavior of others. Wanting other people to like you, maybe from a fear of being abandoned or rejected.
Discomfort and avoidance of conflict, and/or lacking assertiveness skills.
Frequently experiencing emotions like deep guilt, shame, frustration, and anxiety.
Built up resentment, feeling like people don’t give you the care that you give them, and sometimes even becoming passive or passive aggressive in your communication.
Feeling overly responsible for others emotions, issues, behaviors, reactions and taking them on as your own or as your fault.
Hypervigilence in relationships - monitoring peoples tones, reactions, behaviors and being on alert that they are mad at you or will leave you
These are all forms of self-neglect, distraction, and avoidance of yourself. If you feel like many of these apply to you, the next question is how did this happen?
If you are feeling like this speaks to you - here are some of the ways in which codependency could have developed from relational trauma or other family dynamics. I want to preface, these are a handful of reasons. There are other ways that codependency can be formed and that's worth exploring with a licensed therapist.
When it comes to codependency in particular, it mostly formed from relational trauma, unhealthy family dynamics, or attachment styles. They center around 5 types!
Some family/relationship dynamics that can cause these behaviors look like:
Enmeshment (read more here) : no boundaries, what’s one family members stress/emotions/feelings is all of the families stress/emotions/feelings.
Entanglement with someone that has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, whether a family member, good friend, or relationship.
You are dating, married to, or the family member of someone struggling with an addiction or severe mental health issue and caregiving, whether that be emotionally, financially, physically, etc.
Parentification (read more here). You were or are an emotional or physical caretaker for a loved one or sibling or grew up taking on adult-like responsibilities at a young age, you learned too many adult details, or you were your parents “therapist.”
You grew up being invalidated constantly or an environment where expressing emotions is looked down on, dismissed, and not encouraged.
You were frequently guilt-tripped and made to feel wrong for having your own needs, life, opinions, independence.
Other relational trauma (read more here)
What Causes Codependency: In Depth Understanding
Emotionally immature parenting & destructive parentification
Even if your parents had the absolute best of intentions, if they were emotionally immature (struggled to regulate their own emotions, had major issues with their own self-esteem, and were not able to fully meet your emotional needs growing up) this can impact you. For example, destructive parentification. Which is the role reversal - the child takes care of the parent, mediates the family issues and fights, or takes on another highly inappropriate adult-like responsibility at a young age.
The reason this can cause codependent patterns is because it teaches the young child to neglect their own needs and emotions and focus on the parents. They may have received praise for how attuned they were to the parent, they may have received love for being the parents “therapist” and they may have been called mature for their age, reinforcing this pattern. Maybe as the mediator of your family's fights, you were taught that being in a fixer role gave you value. And in a family with a lack of emotional maturity, often the child regulates the parents emotions or was not taught how to appropriately express and process emotions, leaving the child to learn alternative ways for example avoiding emotions or seeking regulation and validation from other people rather than themselves. An emotionally immature parent may have placed so much emphasis on their kid for providing them all of their happiness or well-being. Which is a lot of pressure and can teach a child that their worth will come from making someone else happy.
Enmeshed family dynamics & modeling
In families where there are no boundaries and children/teens were able to do whatever they want without consequences, this can lead to a child not learning to have boundaries or responsibility for themselves. If self-sacrifice and being a martyr was modeled to you from a parent, that can also have a huge impact.
Enmeshment is where there are no boundaries, no separation of identities, everyone's pain is shared, and people take on responsibility for one anothers stuff. In enmeshed dynamics, you may get guilt tripped if you have different opinions or wants or needs. You may learn that you must take on your loved ones feelings or you are “bad.” You may be told that privacy and boundaries are “keeping secrets” even though they are just having personal autonomy. Or again, if a parent was always self sacrificing and you never learned what it’s like to actually practice self care.
Caregiving or support to a loved one with substance use or mental health challenges
In the previous paragraphs I talked more about emotional caregiving a parent who relied on the child for emotional support. Similarly, if you had a family member with addiction, severe mental health challenges, or a chronic health issues - a child/teen may have had to support this family member emotionally, physically, financially, etc.
If you grew up so out of the spotlight because everyone else was always focused on supporting this individual; you may have never learned what's yours and what's theirs. You may have learned hyper-independence and struggle to actually let people help YOU. You may have learned to completely abandon yourself to make sure the other is okay. You may have gotten so absorbed in their challenges, that there was no space for you in the house and you felt deeply impacted by what they were going through and learned to take it on as your own. You may have neglected taking any care of yourself or didn’t have the space to, because they were struggling “more.”
Especially with a loved one with addiction, you can get so caught up in helping and rescuing and then even enabling. Which can also be a core problem in codependent relationships. Wanting to rescue people from their pain and consequences, rather than let them face their own problems.
Toxic relationship patterns with a narcissist or emotionally abusive person
If you had a family member or partner with serious emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic tendencies - gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping, and shaming were probably normal tactics. This can cause someone to doubt themselves, lose themselves, and harm a person's sense of sense. If a loved one threatened to or would leave or only give you love and withheld affection until you behaved a certain way, it can teach the tendency to abandon yourself to keep the relationship (fawning).
If your sense of self was being put down in your upbringing and you were always on eggshells or in fear, you may have learned to fawn and people please (read more here) to appease the person, bring the tension down, and to keep yourself safe. Gaslighting teaches you to not trust your gut. And fear teaches you to prioritize someone else over yourself to stay safe.
Abandonment & attachment wounds
If you had a loved one or romantic partner pass away or leave, this can cause abandonment fears, wounds, and codependency. If you had a disorganized or anxious attachment with your caregiver as a baby, you may still hold attachment wounds and seek healing it now in alternative ways. You may look for love in people who don’t deserve it. You may deeply want that sense of validation from someone, you lose yourself in the process.
Now what? How do I heal from codependency?
The path toward recovery isn't full independence. Yes that could be a piece of it, but it is developing a sense of self and becoming interdependent with others. It is having your own life, while also caring for others. We are social beings, wired for human connection so it’s okay to rely on others, just not at the cost and detriment of yourself. We want to put that same care and love for attending to others, toward ourselves.
If you don’t even know what your identity or purpose is without others, you are not alone.
How can therapy help heal my codependency?
Therapy can be a great way to get in touch with who you are at your core, learn what your values and wants are, and begin to identify and attend to your own needs. Therapy can give you the space to explore relationship and family dynamics, begin to learn how to set and hold boundaries, and work on taking care of yourself. It may take time to unlearn these patterns and shift your behaviors, that is normal. You may have been conditioned to think a certain way and adhere to others as your survival mechanism. Asking for help is a scary but courageous thing to do, it may have been something you've never done before because you are the helper, but you are worthy of doing so. And showing up to therapy is a huge step, because you are finally giving yourself the care you deserve.
