What Is Relational Trauma? Signs, Causes, And How It Affects You
Relational trauma means that you have experienced trauma within the context of interpersonal relationships - mostly with close loved ones, friends, or intimate partners. But it can mean any human being. It can leave invisible wounds that show up in the way we connect, trust, and relate to others. If you ever wondered whether you may be carrying its signs, I will give some examples for clarity!
Examples Of Relational Trauma:
Experiencing gaslighting (when someone manipulates your reality and flips the blame on you, making you question yourself, your memory, or your sanity)
Narcissistic abuse
Emotionally abusive relationship and/or extremely toxic relationship
Witnessing your parents divorce
Break ups that really impact you
Sexual or physical abuse
Death or loss of a loved one
Abandonment by a parent
Witnessing domestic violence in the house or am extremely high conflict house
Infidelity or any type of betrayal by a partner
Neglect in your childhood or teen years
Growing up in an emotionally invalidating environment
Emotional absence from parents
Being chronically guilt tripped or shamed
Being bullied
Racism, homophobia, discrimination of any kind
Parentification (role reversals with parents and child - (read more here)
Enmeshed boundaries or codependency (read more here)
A parent struggling with substance use or major mental health challenges
Parents who were unpredictable, hypercritical, reactive, or emotionally abusive
Experiencing this type of trauma in relationships can be really impactful to your sense of self and the way you view the world. It disrupts the development of a secure self of self and how you relate to and connect with other humans. When consistent safety, attunement, and emotional stability is not given, taken away, or unpredictable it can teach us to internalize negative beliefs about our worth, the importance of healthy relationships, and dangers/fears about the world.
Here are some effects that relational trauma can have on you:
Difficulty with self esteem, sense of unworthiness, loud inner critic, negative self talk
Questioning your sense of reality, worthiness, competency, and if you are enough
Anxiety, depression, complex ptsd
Difficulty trusting others
Trouble with regulating your emotions
Avoidance of people, isolation
Fear of vulnerability and intimacy
People pleasing and trouble with boundaries
Perfectionism
Trouble trusting others
Hypervigilance in relationships - monitoring peoples moods and tones, waiting for the worst case to happen, waiting for other shoe to drop
Difficulty with assertiveness communication and getting needs met
Fear of abandonment
Substance use issues
Relational trauma isnt always obvious at first. It often shows up in the way we experience connection, trust, and safety with others - and sometimes even with ourselves. Whether it stems from childhood experiences, past relationships, or patterns of neglect, relational trauma can shape how we navigate intimacy, boundaries, and opening up and relate to loved ones. You may find yourself anxious in your relationships, fearing abandonment, avoiding closeness yet craving it, believing you are “too much” and “not enough” at the same time, or struggling with your sense of self.
You might struggle with not knowing what to do with big feelings, find yourself highly reactive or irritable, constantly anxious or depressed, and have a fear of intimacy despite the deep need for it.
Healing from this takes time, safety, and connection. Therapy can support to help you understand the patterns that have protected you in the past but keeping you stuck. It’ll take building self-trust, creating healthier boundaries, and healing relational wounds. You can gently work toward experiencing connection in a new way - one that feels safer, more authentic, and more empowering.
Outside of therapy, it takes re-building safety with other people too! Getting comfortable being vulnerable with your loved ones, allowing yourself to ask for support, and letting people in. As scary as that may feel.
And, as mentioned before, reconnecting with you! So getting in touch with who you are and were before the trauma, what brings you joy, creating daily habits of self care, and overall learning to be kinder to yourself. Unlearning the negative beliefs you may still hold, changing the people you bring into your life, and learning to forgive yourself if you struggle with shame.
