How To Heal Your Harsh Inner-Critic Through Mindful Self-Compassion
Do you struggle with a harsh inner critic, unrealistic expectations of yourself, and curious where it comes from?
Do you find yourself constantly criticizing yourself, being super harsh with yourself, never ending self imposed expectations, struggling to be kind, patient, and compassionate to yourself? Yet, you are ALL of those things to your loved ones? If you resonate with having a harsh inner critic always telling you why you are not good enough, this blog is for you!
First, let me just share having a loud inner critic and struggling with self compassion can be a sign of…
Low self esteem
Lack of self worth and self-trust
Experiencing trauma, attachment issues, and dysfunctional family patterns
Carrying shame
Being a perfectionist
Being a people pleaser
Struggling with high functioning codependency
The key to all of this is to learn how to be self compassionate. But tangibly. And if this word self-compassion annoys you or triggers you or you immediately believe it's not for you, these may be signs you need it the most. Here is what I mean below:
What actually is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the act of practicing kindness to yourself, the way you would a loved one, when you are suffering or struggling.
So before we go further, I'd love if you could answer these:
Think of something you are currently going through that is quite stressful, overwhelming, or challenging. Close your eyes for a moment and think about how is it that you treat yourself during this time? How do you speak to yourself? What do you say? What do you expect of yourself?
Now think about this exact same scenario of a stressor/challenging time, but close your eyes and imagine your friend was the one going through it. What would you say to them? How would you treat them? Even think about tone, body language, and expectation.
Now open your eyes and ask yourself what the difference was? Odds are like most, you likely were way harsher to yourself than the friend. You may have been really mean to yourself, have high expectations, even criticize yourself or expect yourself to get over it. Yet, for your friend you may have been super sweet and nurturing and ask how to support them and given them nurturing words of wisdom and encouragement. THAT is what self compassion is - being kind to yourself, giving yourself grace, and asking yourself what you need to get through.
Before I jump into what the components of this are, here is the research on the benefits of self-compassion:
Improved self esteem and stable self worth
Managed anxiety and better ability to manage/decrease stress
Less burn out
Improved mood
More likely to feel happy and satisfied in life
Better sleep and improved immune system
Better relationships and ability to set healthy boundaries
Feel less lonely
Improved body image
3 Components Of Mindful Self-Compassion
(Please note that this was developed and created by Dr.Kristin Neff & Dr. Christopher Garner - I am just sharing my knowledge on it from personal use and from my work bringing this to clients!)
Mindfulness - the act of being present in the moment, to be able to name and identify when you are struggling
This is so you can apply self-compassion when you need it. It’s also a good time to name the challenge you are going through and validate the experience and feelings for yourself. For example, you use mindfulness to catch the fact that you are super stressed and then you say to yourself, “wow I'm having a really tough time right now.” or “wow I’m really stressed, that makes sense!”
Common Humanity - as humans, we all suffer and struggle
Common humanity tells us that we are not alone in our challenges. Suffering and having flaws is what makes us human. As a human, you’ve had a hard time at some point, felt inadequate, made a mistake, or needed support. So common humanity is a good reminder you're not on your own here. It's easy when we are in the height of distress to think it's just you going through it, but common humanity brings that shared connection. It's not to dismiss or minimize or invalidate your feelings and compare them to others suffering, it's just to make you feel less alone!
Soothing Touch and Self-Kindness
So combining two in one, but soothing touch is giving YOURSELF some sort of physical touch that feels comforting. For example, putting one or two hands on your heart. It should feel soothing, calming, and relieving. Just as a hug with someone would, it can release oxytocin even for yourself! Other examples: butterfly hug, hands wrapped around your neck, hands facing down on your lap, clasping your hands, etc.
Then - find a phrase or mantra of self compassion. Think about what it is you need to hear right now and offer that to yourself. For ex, “may I be kind to myself” “I will get through this hard moment,” “I am strong, resilient, and brave,” “I love myself,” “may I accept myself right now,” or “I will be okay.”
If you don't know what to say, think about what you'd say to your friend or loved one that's struggling with the same thing and apply those words.
So to sum it up all of this put together is called a self-compassion break, that combines these elements into a little mindfulness exercise. All of these components come from the mindful self-compassion program which I highly recommend. Learn more and find exercises here. It's also something I bring to my therapy sessions and lead in my therapy groups! Any time you are struggling, stop and go through these steps and see how you start feeling after.
Myths Of Self-Compassion
It's easy to dismiss it and believe it's unnecessary, not helpful, or even undeserved. None is true.
MYTH: Self compassion is a free pass to not do what you need to do and neglect responsibility.
This is FALSE! Self-compassion does not mean we don't hold ourselves accountable to doing the things we need to in life and being better. Self-compassion is just a way that you can KINDLY motivate yourself for change. It's quite easy to believe it's better to shame or criticize yourself into doing something, but the harsh question is - is that actually working for you? Likely not. No one shames themselves into good change. Shame just makes you feel worse about yourself. If you try replacing that shame with a compassionate yet challenging approach, you will find that you are better able to hit your goals.
MYTH: I don't deserve self-compassion
Trauma survivors in particular or those who have low self esteem and carry a lot of shame often believe they don't deserve self-compassion. This may be because you hold a belief of being undeserving of treating yourself kindly, you are not enough, inadequate, a “bad person,” or generally undeserving of good things. That isn't true! You are inherently good, worthy, and enough even if you don't believe it. And EVERYONE deserves to be kind to themselves. Even if you've made mistakes (which makes you human).
Yin and Yang of Self-compassion
Yin of self compassion -
Is the tender, gentle, soft kind that we spoke about above - giving yourself soothing touch and kind words. It's when you nurture yourself with love and support and grace.
Yang of self compassion-
This is similar to a mama bear who will fight for her cubs. It’s the protective self-compassion that leads to action. For example, holding boundaries in relationships. Advocating for your needs. Coaching yourself to do something that feels really hard. Saying no to someone and having a tough conversation. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to remove yourself from a situation. The yang will get you there.
Last note and reminder!
The very last thing I will say about practicing this, if you were to take anything away from this outside of deserving to be kind to yourself, is getting into the habit every single day of asking yourself one key question.
What is it that I need right now? If you can pair that with putting one hand on your heart it’s a great combo. Especially for the clients I work with that have a history of relational trauma, anxiety, people pleasing, perfectionism, challenges with boundaries, high functioning codependency - they learn to neglect and minimize their own needs. They may not even know what their needs are. So getting in the habit of recognizing them and asking what it is you need is a game changer and will massively improve the relationship with yourself.
