8 Steps To Rebuild Self-Trust After Years Of People-Pleasing
People pleasers are those who appease other people constantly, while self-abandoning, to try to make other people happy or like them for a variety of deeper reasons. You can read more in depth to see if you resonate with these signs of a people pleaser or if you’d like to understand people pleasing from a relational trauma perspective - fawning if that’s how it was developed for you.
The sad thing about people pleasing and always neglecting yourself to make the other person “happy,” is that you lose yourself in the process. Most clients I work with that people please or struggle with codependent like habits are so used to putting others above themselves that, when asked what they want or need, they often don’t know. Over time, they lose their sense of trust in themselves - their sense of self fades, and they become disconnected from their own desires, opinions, and values.
Today, I want to walk you through not only how to begin overcoming people pleasing, but also how to start rebuilding self-trust, because that's a huge part of healing!
Here are 8 steps to help you begin:
1. Understand The Why & How
Before diving into action, it’s crucial to understand why you people please and how it shows up in your life. Are you afraid of disappointing people? Do you feel guilty when you say no because you’re afraid to disappoint people? Did you learn to fawn as a trauma response from childhood trauma growing up? Are you worried people wont like you if you are truly yourself?
People pleasing usually stems from fear, low self-esteem, and survival strategies that made sense once- but don’t serve you now. Exploring this with a therapist or even journaling about it can help you connect the dots. When you understand the root, you can start doing the real work to change it.
2. Accept That People-Pleasing Isn’t The Same As Kindness
Once you realize that these patterns are not about being kind- you’ll start seeing the need for healing. You might think of yourself as the “easygoing”or “friendly” one, but if you are always letting other people decide everything and rarely asserting yourself, you’re not being real- not with yourself and not with them.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on false yeses and opinions that you believe other people will like. When you hide how you really feel, people don’t truly know you - and you miss out on real connection.
Repairing after conflict actually builds trust. Avoiding conflict altogether keeps relationships surface-level. Once you see that this pattern isn’t helping you create the deep, safe relationships you deserve, it becomes easier to let it go.
3. Intentionally Reconnect With Your Needs, Values, Desires, Hobbies, and Opinions
When you people-please for so long, you lose touch with what actually matters to you. Start rebuilding your sense of self by spending intentional time exploring:
What hobbies excite you?
What brings you pure joy and fun?
What are the emotional needs most important to you? (I like to bring this into therapy sessions if you’d like support and don’t know what emotional needs are out there or which matter to you)
What are your real opinions? (even if they differ from others)
This work takes time- it’s not something you figure out in one therapy session or journaling practice. But the more you explore it, the stronger you get to know yourself.
4. Schedule Regular Self-Care Days To Spend Time Alone
A huge part of rebuilding trust with yourself is learning to enjoy your own company, meet your own needs, and teach yourself that you do take good care of yourself.
Create a self-care day (even just a few hours) at least once a week that’s just for you- no obligations, no pleasing anyone else. If being alone feels uncomfortable at first, that’s normal!
But over time, this will show you that you can nurture yourself, recharge yourself, and prioritize your own well-being. That’s self-trust in action!
5. Practice Sharing How You Really Feel
People-pleasers often say, “I’m fine!” when they’re anything but. It can feel scary to be real- to admit you’re stressed, sad, drained, or anxious. You might fear judgment, rejection, or being “too much.”
But healthy relationships require emotional honesty and intimacy. The next time someone asks how you’re doing, try sharing even a tiny bit more than you usually would. Let them in. Notice how it feels to be supported when you’re authentic, and remind yourself: you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. The more real and authentic, the more you aren’t hiding parts of yourself that crave to be seen. THAT is what builds up self-trust.
6. Practice Saying No And Setting Small Boundaries
Struggling to say no and set boundaries is at the core of a people pleasers classic behavior. Saying yes when you actually mean no builds up resentment, drains you, and weakens the relationship with yourself.
Start small! Pick a low stakes situation where you can say no - or set a gentle boundary- and practice sitting with the discomfort that follows (meaning you have to ride the wave of whatever sensations, thoughts, and feelings it brings).
Do NOT over-explain.
Do NOT apologize.
Trust that it’s okay to protect your energy. The more you do this, the more confident you’ll feel and the easier it will get down the line!
Tip: Working with a therapist on boundary-setting scripts or role-plays can be super helpful if this feels overwhelming
7. Reframe Conflict And Accept That It’s Okay To Disappoint People
If you view disagreement or assertion of needs as “conflict” or “confrontation” and speaking up for yourself as a fight - you need to learn that advocating for yourself is a part of self-love and healthy, balanced relationships.
Not everyone will like every decision you make or every opinion you voice. That’s normal - and survivable!
Real trust grows when you handle small conflicts and repairs with others. You are allowed to disappoint people sometimes. They can handle it - and so can you.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
If you’re a recovering people pleaser, chances are you still have moments of your inner-critic being loud. Self-compassion will always be one of the most important skills you can practice right now.
When you notice harsh self-talk, pause.
Put a hand on your heart, take a breath, and ask yourself: What would I say to a friend right now?
Start shifting your inner language gently toward kindness (to learn more about strategies for self-compassion, click here)
And when you slip and fall back into old patterns (because you’re human and you will sometimes), remind yourself: Healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about practicing over and over again.
Now What?
If all of this feels overwhelming or impossible, that’s okay! Undoing years of people-pleasing takes time, patience, and support. You don’t have to do it perfectly- you just have to keep showing up for yourself.
If you’re ready to start this work, try journaling about the steps above or beginning with one small action item this week. And if you’d like more support, working with a therapist who truly understands the depth of people-pleasing, the impact on self-trust, and how to heal it can be life changing.
